Again, I'm Sorry

1. Do you like cheese?
Oh sure, start with the one that makes me look crazy. I mostly don't like cheese. There are exceptions when it's melted, because I like pizza and grilled cheese sandwiches so long as they're not super cheesy. Please invite me to your wine and cheese parties anyway because I would be happy to enjoy your wine.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
It's tempting, but I hear detox is a bitch. Right Lins?

3. Do you own a gun?
No! And if I did, it's probably a good thing that I'm not also on heroin. Because drugs and guns lead to drive-bys, right? ISWEARTOGOD the first time around I type drive-thru. I'm so street.

4. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Sometimes, but not usually.

5. What do you think of hot dogs?
They're either great or totally gross. I only eat them at barbecues or Fenway. Actually, that's probably the only time anyone ever eats hot dogs. They're everyone's summer boyfriend and then we break up with them in the fall for filet mignon.

6. What's your favorite Christmas song?
I love all Christmas songs, starting the first of December. I'm that person.

7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
I'm not a coffee person so I just drink water. But I'd prefer a mojito.

8. Can you do push ups?
No, nor do I feel even the slightest inkling of a need to.

9. Is your bathroom clean?
Newly clean.

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
I have some necklaces that I've received as gifts that I have some sentimental attachment to, but I never wear them. I wear earrings sometimes. I'm a boy.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
Tears.

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
What?

16. Middle name?
Susan.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
I have to get my sheets out of the dryer. I need a haircut. And based on the five minutes that I saw of it, I have a sneaking suspicion that I Hate My 30s isn't going to be as hilarious as I want it to be.

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought?
Three books: Heat by Bill Buford (finally in paperback, yay!), Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston, and Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl.

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink.
Diet Pepsi, water, white grape-flavored sparkling water.

20. Current worry?
WHY CAN'T I CLEAN MY OFFICE? It's been a pit for like two years now. Seriously. I'm an animal. I'm going to take a picture of it and post it here in order to shame myself into finally cleaning it.

21. Current hate?
Every time I flip past Mix 98.5 on the radio in the morning, I die a thousand deaths when I hear Kelly Malone talking. She's like Access Hollywood in human form. She never has anything intelligent to say and she has a totally generic top 40 personality. Once I heard her quote a book she was reading that taught her that every time you ask "Do I look okay?" what you're really asking is "Am I good enough?" which she discussed like it was a brilliant philosophical revelation. She drank beer at Fenway after paint chips fell in it and once said her greatest fear in life is getting fat. Need I go on?

22. Favorite place to be?
With my friends and/or family.

23. How did you bring in the New Year?
I had friends over and made potent Bay Breezes. Fine, we may have also handcuffed ourselves to each other and run around outside.

24. Where would you like to go?
I'd love to be on a tropical vacation right now. I'm not picky. Beach, sand, book, sunblock, me happy.

27. Do you own slippers?
No, I hate slippers.

28. What are you wearing?
Shorts and a tank top.

29. Do you burn or tan?
Please.

30. Favorite color?
Cranberry.

31. Would you be a pirate?
Does it come with a healthcare package? Arr.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't sing in the shower. I actually turn the radio up really loud so I can hear the music but I don't sing.

35. What's in your pocket right now?
No pockets.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
On Sunday I got a text from a work friend telling me that she brought a 22-year-old Brazilian (male) stripper home with her the night before. Then I got the story in person and it was even better than I hoped for.

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
Strawberry Shortcake!

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Random broken bones, nothing horrible.

41. Who is your loudest friend?
Lucretia can't keep her damn mouth shut. Love ya anyway, Lu!

42. Who is your most silent friend?
Definitely Thurston. Speak up, buddy.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Does anyone not?

45. What is your favorite book?
Travels With Charley by John Steinbeck. Kind of a ghetto, scruffy Eat Pray Love. With a dog named Charley.

46. What is your favorite candy?
M&Ms. In related news, I always claim to never get PMS, and yet this afternoon found me alone at a movie theater watching No Reservations with a bag of sour patch kids and peanut butter M&Ms. So, yeah. Hormones anyone?

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
That's All.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I don't care. I'm dead!

49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
Sleeping.

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Thunder! Ooh. (I apparently formulate thoughts as extensive as a puppy when I'm waking up.)

Jokes About The Apple Not Falling Far Are Frowned Upon

I came to the Cape on Thursday for a long weekend of reading, shopping, eating good food, and lazing in the sun (or sitting inside blogging in the rain, as is the case at the moment). And, of course, time with the parents, who basically live here all summer long.

The joke with my mom is that we'll never know when she gets senile. She's always been kind of a fruit loop. Not unintelligent, just a little out of her mind. Sometimes when I think I might be getting juvenile Alzheimer's, I stop and remember who my mother is. This isn't exactly meant to be critical, but when you have quotes like "I hate these bagels! They're TOO BIG!" fired at you all weekend, you can't help but record them for posterity.

My parents are having an arbor put on the front walkway. My mom and I are pulling out of the driveway and an electrician is pulling in. She leans across me to speak to him.
"Can I help you?"
"I'm here about the arbor."
"Oh, really?! The arbor! YAY YOU!"
"I'm checking your wiring."
"I'm so excited!"
He pauses, clearly uncertain as to whether or not she's the right one to be talking to. "Do you have any wires on the ground?"
"Yay! The arbor is going up! Oh. I don't know."

*****

"You know that dinner I made, with the shrimp? Well, when I went to the supermarket, they had one thing of jumbo shrimp that were really huge for $20.99 a pound. Then they had these other shrimp that were pretty much the same size for $10.99 a pound. I asked the woman why and she didn't know. They don't know anything! So I had her get the manager and I said, 'This one is $20.99 and that one is $10.99 and they're basically the same! It's not even TRUE!' [This nonsensical line was said with such emphasis that it may be my favorite thing she said all weekend.] And he said that's just how they're priced."
"Why did you need to talk to the manager? Why didn't you just get the cheaper one?"
"I just wanted to tell him."
"So which one did you get?"
"The $20.99. They just looked better."

*****

"I was at Tracy Elise and the woman who was working there, this Oriental woman..."
"MOM."
"Asian-American! Fine! Jesus. I saw that Tocca perfume I have that you like and I asked if they had a tester so I could check and make sure it's the same thing, and she said no, the tester was empty. And I said, why don't you open one of the new ones and that can be your tester? She said that they have to make the tester specifically to be a tester. I said, NO, the tester is just a tester because of the little sticker that says 'tester.' I should've put the sticker on her and said, 'See? Now you're a tester.' She told me I could smell the cap. The cap! You've got to be kidding me. But then you know what? I looked closer at the perfume and it said it was a room fragrance. Do you think it's possible this whole time that I've been using room fragrance and thinking it was perfume?"

*****

"Your father can be so disgusting! Remember how he never used to need deodorant?"
"Yeah," I say warily, not liking where this is going. (But incidentally, it's true. For years, weirdly enough, he never wore or needed deodorant, even after biking for hours on the weekend. Still, it's not my favorite topic of conversation.)
"Well, now he needs it, and he REFUSES to wear it. When he comes in from his walk and just sits around, I say to him, 'You stink.' And you know what he says? 'No I don't.' NO YOU DON'T?! When people tell you that you smell, you should BELIEVE them! They're not making it up! I swear, that man is turning into Howard Hughes, and he's only going to get worse!" Pause. "I should've dated more."
That's the second time recently that I've heard her compare him to Howard Hughes. They must have just netflixed The Aviator.

More Surveyaliciousness

I realized why I like doing blog surveys: narcissism! It's the new bipolar disorder.

1. What is your best friend's mom's name?
Mrs. Whatever. When it comes to parents, I can't do first names. Although Jen started the inexplicable tradition of calling my dad LJ, which is somehow hysterical because it's the last nickname he could ever pull off. He would need a motorcycle and tattoos and a pack of squealing women following behind him. Which he usually has anyway, that pimp.

2. What body part do you hate the most?
Blah, I don't know. This is the summer of owning all of it, anyway. My version of owning it so far has been to hit my tummy and yell "I OWN THIS!" when drinking with friends.

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?
I actually never had any young teachers, and none of the oldsters really did it for me. It took awhile for me to realize that you could even have a teacher who was under fifty because all of mine were close to retirement. Dorie's kids go to the same elementary school that I went to, and when we were comparing teachers I told them that mine must be dead working in other schools now. But then it turned out that my old gym teacher is still there. I have no idea how. It's twenty years later, and he was old back then. They must just prop up what's left of him in the corner and he uses his disembodied voice to give instructions for how to play capture the flag.

4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater?
Ha, yes. That was the best. It was the only time you were guaranteed to not be interrupted by parents.

5. What body part do you wash first?
Maybe this is weird, but I wash behind my ears first.

6. Do you have any piercings?
Just my ears. I almost got my eyebrow pierced in college. Obviously I would have taken it out years ago, but, ha. I'm not sure what I was thinking.

7. Is your driveway steep?
I don't really have a driveway. I live in a condo.

8. What's your favorite flavored Pringles?
I'm not sure, I haven't had Pringles in years. I like sour cream and onion, though.

9. Have you ever been tied up?
I haven't. I wanted to add "yet" but that seems creepy, somehow. Very arched eyebrow coy.

10-12. Where you at?
I know, right?

13. Have you ever had two dates in one night?
Ha, sort of, but it wasn't planned ahead of time. I came home from one date and wasn't ready to go to bed and so I called this other guy who had been asking me to go out for awhile (clearly he was high up on my priority list) and told him I'd meet him in the city. We made out in the back of this weird Spanish club. I love how I talk about this like I was 21 and it wasn't last summer.

14. How many times have you been cursed at?
I'm sure gajillions. Bring it! I'm terrible at comebacks so you know you'll win.

15. Which shoe do you put on first?
I think right.

16. How old are you?
29. It's an interesting age because according to the greeting card industry, it's the age that everyone wants to be. I'm bracing for twenty ten. It doesn't help that VH1 is debuting a series called I Hate My 30s. I thought you guys were my friends! (In all seriousness, I'm pretty much over the turning 30 thing. I'd much rather be 30 than 20 again. I'm glad I got to live it up back in the day but I'm kind of over killing brain cells. No I'm not! Where's the wine?)

17. Have you ever been to a gay bar?
Yeah, and I specifically remember one where they were playing gay porn on all the TVs. I learned a lot.

18. Have you ever had any friends with benefits?
Yeah, here and there, guys that I liked but couldn't date in real life.

19. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common?
They all dug this fine package. I mean, I don't know.

20. Did you French kiss before you were 16?
Yeah. Probably not well.

21. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting?
OH MY GOD yes to the latter. Every year in my elementary school the fourth grade class went on a trip to Vermont and we went snipe hunting one night and it was so much fun. The most anticlimatic part was that they didn't even officially tell us afterwards that snipes aren't real, which is supposed to be the big comic reveal. We just kind of heard about it and passed it along and went to bed. Also, I didn't shower for five days. This one girl Jill showered and we made fun of her. A few years ago when they were organizing our ten year high school reunion, someone sent out a spreadsheet confirming everyone's addresses and someone had put in that Jill lived at 15 Huge Bitch Lane or something, and she got mad. I don't think the two stories are related, but police are investigating.

22. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?
I don't know, I guess it depends.

23. Have you ever had a song written about you?
Yes, but nothing on the Top 40 countdown. How great would it be if I could be like, hmm, let me think, oh yeah, LoveStoned.

24. Where did 24 go?
I don't know. The show? I hope it's GONE FOREVER.

25. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable?
No. I looked through their drawers one time and found all the cards I'd ever made for my mom, which made me feel like a bad person so I stopped looking. I'm going to make sure to lock up the flavored cock rings so my kids don't find them.

26. What was your childhood nickname?
Everyone has always called me Bec, and when I was younger I got Becky, but I've always hated that one. One of my friends and I called each other Beuker (boo-ker) although I don't remember why. My mom has always called me Pie. Neither one of us particularly like pie so analyze that how you will.

27. When is the last time you played the air guitar?
Never, I have to say.

28. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sex's locker room?
No, I don't imagine that I'd observe anything particularly hot.

29. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving?
I changed my shirt once. It doesn't sound like much but when you're suddenly topless on the highway you definitely have a OHMYGOD moment.

30. Have you ever bitten your toenails?
No, I couldn't even if I wanted to.

31. How do you normally eat your Oreo cookies?
Take them apart, eat the DELICIOUS white stuff (learn to love the lard, Carly) and then the cookies.

32. WHERE IS 32?
Again, don't know!

33. Name something you do when you're alone that you wouldn't do in front of others?
I probably would not (ahem) fully enjoy Skinimax in front of others. If I'm going to get caught, I at least want it to be while watching something respectable like Asian double penetration.

34. Where's 34?
Again, not sure.

35. And 35?
35 is the age when I hope to be mommy blogging up a storm.

36. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?
Depends on the drink and whether or not I've eaten. I mostly drink wine or beer so with anything else, I have no idea.

37. Why are you doing this survey?
Blah, at this point I just figure I have no choice.

38-40. GAH!
Yep.

41. Do you have any strange phobias?
I don't like anything scary... movies or TV shows or stories or anything. I think they're fun during the day and then at night when I can't sleep and I swear I can hear Lizzie Borden laughing maniacally on my staircase, I regret it.

42. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
The Monopoly thimble is probably still up there somewhere. When it rains I still have a faint urge to sew.

43-45. [Silent fuming]

46. Have you ever gotten caught sleeping while on a date?
No, but I've wanted to.

47. Have you ever played naked twister?
No, but I bet you can file that under "better in theory."

48. Have you ever been drunk at school or work?
One time my sophomore year of high school we drank beer and vodka in the woods during school. So stupid on so many levels. But I only had a little bit of beer so I wasn't really drunk. As for the second question... come on, I work with children. So yes, of course, all the time.

49. Have you ever found your date's brother or sister to be hotter then your date?
No, thankfully.

50. How many Bryces do you know?
None.

Try To Make Her Go To Rehab, She'll Say No

The only way I could be more ecstatic about the new Lindsay Lohan movie I Know Who Killed Me is if it was autobiographical.

I haven't been this excited since House of Wax came out. And God knows that baby delivered.

I'm thisclose to throwing a pop culture party to commemorate the blessed event. I can see it now: Timbaland tuna tartare, Harry Potstickers... just be grateful I stopped before David Beckham and cheese sandwiches.

And instead of goody bags, a slip of paper telling you when to hand your baby or husband over to Angelina Jolie. Because she's going to end up with all of them eventually anyway.

Who You Gonna Call?

My parents are at Dirty Dancing right now without me, which I may have mentioned 2 or 200 times. Anyway, my mom called me bubbling over with excitement because Waiter Friend is bringing them on a journey into the gaping maw of hell totally fun adventure!

Mom: Waiter Friend is going to take us on a ghost hunt tomorrow night when everyone else is asleep!
Me: What?
Mom: It's going to be so much fun!
Me: Mom, that's totally creepy.
Mom: Oh, it'll be fun. I just hope no one finds out, because Waiter Friend could lose his job. No one is supposed to be down in the tunnels underneath the hotel.
Me: The TUNNELS? Think about this for a second. The place is a jillion years old. They originally wanted to film THE SHINING there. And you know how creepy it can be at night!
Mom: Sure, I guess!
Me: No, not during the day when dad's golfing and you're at a culinary demonstration learning how to make freakin' creme brulee. I'm talking LATE AT NIGHT. It's creepy. I get creeped out just being alone in my room there sometimes.
Mom: Waiter Friend has a list of all the ghosts that are supposed to still be in the hotel. He calls them The Guests Who Haven't Checked Out Yet.
Me: Don't look at any portraits for too long! They always come to life!
Mom: Oh, you're silly.
Me: I swear, if you disappear, I am NOT coming after you with a psychic and night vision goggles.
Mom: I can't wait! We're going to see a ghost!
Me: Is your will updated?

Is It Me...

...or does anyone else find it problematic that on Blogger, the "save settings" and "delete this blog" button are right on top of each other? Clearly this wasn't designed with someone like me in mind. If I suddenly disappear from the blogging universe bluniverse, you'll know why. And rest assured that I'm somewhere screaming, "NO! SAVE SETTINGS! I SAID SAVE SETTINGS! FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?"

And then, like in The Cable Guy when Jim Carrey falls into the satellite dish and everyone's cable goes out and they can no longer squander their hours pointlessly in front of the TV, I suddenly pick up a book. Cue music and deep self-actualizations, courtesy of Dostoyevsky or, you know, that chick who writes about wearing Prada and believing in yourself.