how to win enemies

It's a little ironic that someone just today googled "how to win friends" and landed on my site, because, well, I don't really dispense advice on that subject, although I do like the idea of WINNING them, and also, I'm clearly not an expert, after all my inappropriate behavior at FlyingJ's baby shower today. Seriously, Chillier and I started counting my social gaffes. I think there were six of them, but if I've forgotten any, I'm sure I'll hear about it. I even promised Effie that I would blog about these catastrophic events. (What, doesn't everyone you encounter in real life have a blog, too?)

1) We were introduced to FlyingJ's cousin Amy, who is currently getting her PhD. Their nana told us, very sweetly and proudly, "Amy loves to learn." FlyingJ joked about how the rest of us are slackers, or something to that effect. Nana continued with, "When Amy puts her mind to something, she does it. She wants to do well and she's not afraid to work hard." There was a pause and I said, "Amy is better than us." It just fell out of my mouth. She tried to say she wasn't, but whatever, Amy, you know you are.

2) I was chatting with FlyingJ's friend whom I've met on two other occasions. I paused mid-word to tell her, "I don't mean to flirt with you or anything, but you have AMAZING blue eyes." She did! But she got a little embarrassed and didn't like me joking about flirting with her. I'm not sure why. Were they actually contact lenses and I was drawing attention to them? Or do women just not like when I hit on them? I mean, neither option seems remotely possible.

3) I was talking with another of FlyingJ's friends about her shoes and she was saying something like, "I know you're not supposed to wear open toe shoes at work..." and I said, "Oh, because they're so seductive?" and she finished her thought with, "...because something could fall on your foot." Luckily I think Chillier was the only one who heard that one, but still, I apparently could not stop finding other women attractive today.

4) FlyingJ's friend was telling us about being single and not especially wanting to be. I said something like, "Hey, who needs a relationship when you have a job?" I guess I was just trying to point out something else in her life that was okay, despite not being in a relationship. Well, no, because she's also unemployed.

5) When I saw Effie, she said something like, "Right, I remember meeting you; you were telling a story about how you had a made-up husband." Dear God, what a memory to have of me.*

6) Chillier and I were on the porch and FlyingJ's aunt and nana came out. I enthusiastically said, "Hello!" They ignored me. So I said it again. "Hello!" I really can't stress how chipper I was being, attempting this greeting twice. They ignored me the second time, too. So I figured they were just kind of more involved in their own conversation, but then a few seconds later, the aunt turned to us and said, "Have you heard how the Red Sox are doing today?" To which I said, "Hello!" No, I'm kidding.

I jest (clearly) but it was actually a very fun, sweet, happy day, with lots of nice people and a crapload, I mean an abundance of presents and cupcakes.

I can't wait for the newest edition to the friend family, due in early July. And FlyingJ and Joe, I promise to try and interact with her appropriately whenever possible.

*If you really want to hear the story of the made-up husband: As a general rule I don't tell people that come into my home to fix things or install cable or what have you that I live alone, just because I don't know them (but of course I don't hesitate to inform the entire internet). Anyway, one time a few years ago my complex was being painted. I was unloading groceries, and one of the painters asked if I was making a gourmet meal for my husband. Now, he was probably the nicest man on the planet, but, like I said, if I don't know people, I just don't want to make a point of saying, "Gosh, no, it's just for me; I live alone and sleep with the doors unlocked." So I said yes. Then the painter said, "What's his name?" And I said, "Brett." I said it without thinking and without ever having known a person named Brett. And when I told my friends about this, I think it was Joe who said, "What would you have said if the painter asked what Brett did for a living?" I replied, "He's an innkeeper." Yeah, I don't know what to say about that, either.