Sunday, November 26, 2006

What Just Happened: 11/26

This weekend was two weekends in one, which means that I got to execute the pointless mindfuckery that comes into play whenever holiday circumstances allow more than the typical two-day weekend. When the weekend starts on Wednesday, it's like it's Friday. Thursday is Saturday, and Friday is Sunday. And THEN, just when you think your weekend should be over, it starts all over again, because now it's REALLY Saturday! Everything leading up to the real Saturday was just a bonus! Am I the only one who does this?

Fine. I figured as much.

Being home for a couple days was fun. As usual, Thanksgiving was like a party in my mouth and all the Pilgrims were invited. I was somehow coursing with tryptophan before I even ate any turkey. Seriously, I fell asleep every time I sat down. It didn't matter who I was talking to or what the topic was, every conversation was like a big glass of warm milk with a side of Tylenol PM, and I'd wake up twenty minutes later wondering what happened and where I was. So basically, I was your grandpa, minus the brown sweater and glass of bourbon.

Then at dinner I ate potatoes, which would normally be a relatively unremarkable thing, but I don't eat potatoes. When I was a baby, my dad mashed one up for me and I spit it all over him, and that's pretty much been my reaction ever since. But my mom's friend made these sweet potatoes and they were really good. I had two helpings and everyone just stared at me, presumably waiting for my head to spin around and a demon voice to announce that Red's not here anymore.

Friday night, Mardi and I went to Melissa and Joe's to help decorate their tree, eat most of the appetizers we brought, and give Olivia more opportunities to writhe in misery every time I came within ten feet of her. I'm really glad that we're bonding. I can already picture her at three years old, facedown on the carpet and having an epic tantrum because mom and dad went to a movie and left her in the care of some vile, unfathomable monster, i.e. Auntie Red.

After we left Mardi and I went to Watch City, played some pool at a hole in the wall (I won! I won two pool games two days in a row!) and then went to the Skellig for a bit. I rediscovered my adoration of Lose Your Love by the Outfield (I totally just broke out the Microsoft Word thesaurus so I didn't have to say "I rediscovered my love for Lose Your Love... could you tell?). You should all go listen to that song right now, incidentally. "Josie's on a vacation far away..."

On Saturday, I... don't know what I did during the day. Whatever it was must have been fascinating. I met Carly and Kevin for dinner at Iguana Cantina and then we went to Lifestyles, Moody Street's own frosted-glass, ID-required sex shop, where the cashier is knocked up (insert tactless joke here). The predictably skeevy shelf stocker showed off an XXXL t-shirt illustrating all the different kinds of "boobies" and told us that wearing it once helped him get laid, to which I could only reply, "Sir, I simply do not believe you." I decided to start picking up favors for my New Year's goody bags, but the edible undies were pricey, as were the individual packs of anal lube, and they came in chintzy flavors like coconut and berry (wait a second... flavors?). The only affordable thing to buy in bulk was Rough Rider condoms, so I bought them out. Sorry if you went in there right after me hoping to pick some up. But why not treat yourself to some of their watermelon pleasure potion, and check out the Hispanic fetish DVDs; for a limited time you can get three for $30.

After that I met Mardi, Sarah, and some of Mardi's friends at Crowley's, and then we went to the Cherry Tree to bid adieu to our favorite drunk, who is moving to New York next week. I got to second base with Sarah and then booty-called all the restaurants in her phone, because who has Applebee's on their speed dial? (Honestly, maybe I should. I secretly love their chicken fajita wrap, as I've shamefully admitted before.)

Also, I'm suddenly realizing what a klassy girl I am. Maybe this weekend update thing is better in theory.


stefanie said...

As usual, your weekend sounds immeasurably more interesting than mine, and I am wondering if it's just because you are a fabulous storyteller skilled in picking out just the right amusing details or if you really do lead a life of much more excitement than mine. It's a toss-up, I suppose.

Jacynth said...

Your week-end sounds fantabulous. I'm quite jealous. I think if there's one thing you should have learned it is that yes, having Applebee's in your speed dial is a must. Do it!

othur-me said...

Is it me or does Chocolate anal lube just sound wrong?

Darren McLikeshimself said...

I really don't understand the potato thing. Them things is good!

I once saw a Hassidic Jew in Brooklyn buy a box of Rough Riders. No judgments. I'm just saying.

Killer said...

I like how you glaze over the sex shop visit, as if you were not a regular.
Price should never inhibit the purchase of edible underwear. Somethings should not be skimped on.

Anonymous said...

if you add applebees to your speed dial, I promise it will change your life... but seriously, either it was cold outside or I was insanely turned on by your advances on saturday.

Anonymous said...

auuugh. Stuff like that is killing me, Red!


Red said...

Stefanie, I DID mention prank-calling chain restaurants on a Saturday night, right? I think maybe I just give good blog.

Jacynth, you are so right... I will conceal my love for the Bee no longer!

Othur-me, if chocolate anal lube is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Darren, ew, really? I can't imagine buying it seriously. Maybe he's making sex goody bags too! For his, uh, Hassidic friends. Because that's likely.

Killer, have you seen underwear for two? It's pretty funny, but you know you'd get them on and go, now what? And if I REALLY wasn't skimping - have you ever been to It's horrific on so many levels. Check out the FAQ for hours of fun.

Raetard, it WAS cold, but I'll happily take credit!

Tim, sorry. That's just what girls do when they're alone. Or walking down the street.

Miss Peach said...

"So basically, I was your grandpa, minus the brown sweater and glass of bourbon."

Hilarious. That's what holidays are all about. Sounds like yours was great!