Sunday, June 11, 2006

A Loving Homage to Musical Prodigy Nick Lachey on VH1's Behind the Music or, So Far Behind the Music It's Like We Took a Wrong Turn and Landed in Shit

There's a new Behind the Music and it's on Nick Lachey. Because that makes sense; his career with 98 Degrees revolutionized the face of music. Rarely does a day go by when "give me just one night! una noche..." doesn't spur me to reach greater heights than I ever fathomed were within my reach. Basically it was a shameless ploy to get him to talk about Jessica Simpson for 47 minutes. Next week Anderson Cooper will do an in-depth report on how Nick feels their divorce has impacted immigration laws, certain to include hard-hitting questions such as, "So was Jessica, like, totally bipolar or what?"

Me: They went right from their wedding to the Newlyweds show and skipped the part about Nick deflowering Jessica. That's unacceptable!
Dave: Totally.
Me: Hello, where's the sex? I could be reading a book right now.
Dave: Nick Lachey is crying.
Me: I'd venture to say he's weeping.
Dave: I bet he had to sign a contract for them and promise to cry like a little bitch. [Incidentally, that's probably the most frat boy thing I've ever heard Dave say.]

Nick, choking back tears, is talking about how "it's all about holding that little girl for the first time."

Me: What little girl?
Dave: I was wondering that myself.
Me: Who is this little girl he wants to hold? We may need to explore this.
Dave: Maybe it's Jessica.
Me: Maybe it's Ashlee. Maybe it's Lindsay Lohan!

We are informed that Nick is "emerging from the shadows of his past."

Me: This is one big personal ad.
Dave: He's dreamy.
Me: I can't believe it's over and I missed the first half hour.
Dave: Yeah. It's a shame VH1 never replays anything.

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