Sunday, February 25, 2007

And The Award Goes To

Kate: Do you have an Oscar speech?
Me: Yes, it's really dignified. Would you like to hear it?
Kate: Yes, please. And tell me what you won for.
Me: First, you should know that I'm wearing extensions that are so real-looking that my hair simply looks like it suddenly became voluminous and wavy. I'm at my 18-year-old weight. The smile eye wrinkles have disappeared.
Kate: In other words, you've gone all Hollywood on us. I assume you've forgotten the little people and we no longer speak.
Me: I glide onto the stage as if propelled by invisible wires and the love of the audience.
Kate: Awesome. The blogosphere will be agog.
Me: The real Red would throw up and then die. But Oscar-winning Red tears up just enough to be genuine but not too much, so as to keep all make-up intact.
Kate: And what witty comments will you make to be the buzz of the Oscars?
Me: I start with the adjectives... the incredible cast, amazing director, and (choke) my wonderful family and my friends who I love so much, and of course my doting husband Jason [Varitek].
Kate: You are quite the accomplished couple! The toast of Boston.
Me: What color should my dress be?
Kate: Deep navy with some sparkle. Duh.
Me: I already know that when I'm on the red carpet and they ask me what I'm wearing, I'll say blue.
Kate: Gucci will take back their swag!
Me: Okay, now tell me... your award/speech/dress?
Kate: Ahem, well, I'm assuming that I'll win for Best Screenplay.
Me: Yes.
Kate: I'm going to jump on stuff, likely trip up the stairs, then say "I became a writer so I wouldn't have to speak in front of people, and it's backfired horribly..."
Me: I like that.
Kate: Then shout out to friends, family, amazing cast, my husband John Krasinski. We met on set. How cute are we?
Me: Jason and John are in their seats with misty eyes, maybe a single tear. But I don't really want them to Chad Lowe out.
Kate: From there it'll devolve into a bitter Constanza-like rant about the people I hate, and they'll drag me off, one security guard under each armpit.
Me: Totally! Pull a Fiona Apple at the MTV awards. "This world is bullshit!"
Kate: You gotta make a name for yourself.
Me: From then on, anytime people throw fits it'll be called pulling a [her last name].
Kate: I'll parlay that into a book deal: "This world is bullshit!: Saying what you feel in a messed up world."


jessica said...

whoa whoa whoa. what happened to "the list"? you inspired me to create a similiar list, but did you chicken out after posting?

Red said...

I was worried it came off too whorey... but I'll repost by popular (i.e. your) demand.

Darren McLikeshimself said...

You forgot "brave." People who work on award nominated or winning films are always brave.