Wednesday, February 28, 2007

He May Not Be My Soulmate, But a Girl's Gotta Eat

I haven't caught you guys up on the hilarity of online dating in awhile. There's a lot of crazy men out there, people. Don't get me wrong, I hope they find what they're looking for. Best wishes for continued success. I hope you dance. But don't talk to me if you're stupid, illiterate, or MARRIED. I thought that last one, especially, went without saying, but not so much. And of course, there's my dating limerick pertaining guys' ages: "If it starts with a 2, I don't want to meet you. If it starts with a 3, you can go out with me. If it starts with a fo', email me no mo'. If it starts with a 5, really? So does my dad's." Of course I keep that to myself. When I'm not posting it on the internet.

Recent highlights include:

A guy who, when I told him that I saw the Darwin exhibit at the Museum of Science over the weekend, replied (verbatim!), "What is the Darwin exhibit? Is that the one where they show people's insides?"

A guy who assured me that in real life he's much less "G-rated" than he seems in his profile.

A guy with the word "mantown" in his screen name. Delete!

A guy who "loves to touch, and loves P.D.A (public displays of affection [such as kissing or hugging])." Thanks, because if you'd left it at PDA it would've been a real head-scratcher for me. Also, who makes out in public after ninth grade?

A 48-year-old man who says his best quality is his butt. Not that I doubt it, but when I was born your butt was already out of high school.

Real quotes from two would-be suitors... I'm going to go out on a limb and say their mothers did something critically wrong during those formative years:

"Plus mother always said, Never grow up to DEPEND on a woman and I believed her, so now we're journeying deeper into the moral state of mind, which I find very conscious and healthy. Its often the reason why I remain single, just cant oblige to ONES who condone THE WAYS of today. Love my women Old Fashoined/millenium, but leaning more toward the classic side. Thats basically it, but *note*...I take individuals for face value till they pull the Fake maneuver, so just BE real to yourself, and you'll find less rocks in your shoe."

"I've had more than my fair share of women wiping they're spiked shoes in my welcome mat of a heart. If you're at ALL into doing the same, you might as well not even bother. Go peddle your papers somewhere else. This heart is for loving ONLY!! Abuse it and you might as well go tell your mother she wants you."

And of course, my dating FAQ:

So, is Red short for Rediford?
I try not to roll my eyes too much at this question because I know it could be coming from a perfectly nice person just trying to make conversation, but I've literally been asked this A JILLION TIMES OVER THE COURSE OF MY LIFE. And I have no idea why. It would never occur to me to ask a Liz if her real name is Elizabeth or a Joe if his real name is Joseph.

So, are you a REAL redhead?
You know, even the nice guys pull this one out. I really just think that they don't know what else to say sometimes, and they feel a need to comment on the hair or something. I probably seem hard to offend, and I AM, but only once you know me. Until you do, questions like this are creepy, not cheeky.

So, you work with kids... that's so noble/admirable/selfless/compassionate/brave.
Again, you can't really make fun of the guy; he's trying to say something nice. But everytime I tell someone what I do they practically start waxing poetic about how they believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way...

So, do you consider yourself honest/trustworthy/genuine/funny/good at communicating?
I've learned something interesting, which is that every jerk on the planet thinks they're all of the above adjectives. No one actually thinks they're a waste of oxygen. It's unfortunate, because a smidgen of self-awareness on their part could save me a little time, but hey... if all else is lost, refer to my subject title.

So, would you say that you're a woman who enjoys getting dressed up and having a night on the town, but can also just relax at home in sweats and eat pizza?
Do you mean to tell me you're looking for someone who can occasionally change her clothes AND her mind? Well, now you're just talking crazy. Go peddle those papers elsewhere, mister.


-R- said...

I can only think of one time that I have been asked if my name is short for "Rediford". Maybe you don't look like a Rediford? Weird.

Also, WTF is wrong with the rocks in his shoe guy? I would be very scared to meet a woman who responds to that profile.

lizgwiz said...

Yeah, I gotta say the shoe rocks guy is...well, a few rocks shy a shoe-load. Scary.

And the other freak mentions shoes, too...coincidence?

Lola said...

And then there's always Boston Foot Tickler who I had to block from emailing me ever again!

Single Jen said...

I get the same damn thing with Jen. Is your real name Jennifer? No, dipshit, it's Francis.

Does is really f'ing matter?

Killer said...

When one of my friends introduces me as "Killer", I often get, "what, did you kill somebody? Ha Ha ha" I hate that person forever.

I bet the guy who likes old fashion ladies works as a colonial re-enactment character. That would seem like the most obvious choice.

Married Jen said...

Red, you are awesome.

"There's a lot of crazy men out there, people. Don't get me wrong, I hope they find what they're looking for. Best wishes for continued success. I hope you dance. But don't talk to me if you're stupid, illiterate, or MARRIED."

This could have been my tag line throughout the dating years.

I hope you dance. NO YOU DI-IN'T.

don't call me MA'AM said...

Love the limerick!!!

Mantown? Seriously?!?!?

After I read "Plus, mother always said..." I thought DELETE. Do real guys actually talk like that? I don't think so.

abbersnail said...

I am so feelin' you right now. I just ended my online subscription, and I am sooooooo done. Nice!

David said...

Internet dating scares the bejebus out of me. Pay sites are usually the best (keeps out the craigslist riff-raff), but still pretty creepy. I'll never forget the woman who told me at length about her conversations with a phone-psychic and her prediliction to DP sex. *shudder*

Darren McLikeshimself said...

I found my new blog tagline:

"This heart is for loving ONLY!"

Anonymous said...

This is so true! Dating sucks! And I've even had the not-so-great-pleasure of meeting the Boston Foot Tickler. That's right ladies! Watch out! This guy is really out there! He told me he wanted to restrain my feet under the headrests of his SUV and "tickle-torture" me! And after he was told in no uncertain terms to back off, every once in awhile, I'd get a text that said "tickle, tickle" until I changed my number!