Saturday, February 10, 2007

Six Things I Did on Friday Night

1. When Crowley's, our come-as-you-ahh local waterin' hole, suddenly became overrun with 22-year-old girls in sparkly tank tops because of a plumbing problem at a nearby hoochie bar, I suffered them silently for awhile until, finally, I couldn't deal with the screechiest, nakedest, drunkest one of them all and I decided to treat her like the civilized creature she is and engage her in a conversation kicked her in the ass. From my bar stool. She whipped around and glared at Mardi, who was next to me, stunned. I said, "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!" She immediately softened. "Oh, that's okay! I thought someone did it on purpose!" I said, "I actually did. I'm really sorry. I couldn't help it." She couldn't make out what I was saying over the music and just smiled and nodded. I felt much better. Turns out assault can be kind of liberating.

2. Some guy was chatting up Mardi and asked what I did for a living. I told him I was a heart surgeon and he looked appropriately impressed. "Wow! You save lives!" I smiled, trying my best to look both humble and brilliant. "Every day."

3. Some other guy was chatting up Mardi and pontificating about how he likes to "go down." I interjected to ask him if he also likes to go up. He hadn't heard of this before but was intrigued. So I made some shit up and told him that women love it.

4. I decided that messing with the heads of Mardi's man candy is my new favorite hobby.

5. I changed my MySpace song to High on You by Survivor. That's right I did. Let me tell you 'bout the girl I met last night...

6. I finally emerged from my grief and said, "Come on, people! She wasn't our generation's Marilyn freakin' Monroe! She was some crazy golddigger who was always high, and the media's trying to be so respectful like we didn't all mock her while she was alive!" "Rest in peace, Anna N." Really, though, I only wish her reality show was still on the air. I'd totally sit there for awhile and watch footage of an empty house with half-full Trimspa bottles and Howard K. Stern occasionally wandering through.

Mocking the dead? Assaulting people in bars? Teaching strange men sexual positions that don't exist? Giving props to one of the most horrific 80s soft rock bands? And all in one night? I'm going straight to hell.


don't call me MA'AM said...

I bow down to you on kicking that girl in the ass! I SO would want to do that, but wouldn't have the guts. You RULE.

Oh, and some guy serenaded me with that Survivor song once... I don't think I can hear it now without laughing my ass off!

Fun Friday!

kate said...

If I had a dime for every sparkly-top girl I wanted to kick in the ass... Girl, you are my new messiah.

I think we're all pouring out our Trim Spa (is it a liquid?) for Anna.

sognatrice said...

I hope you have a nice red handbasket picked out :) And you know, about the sparkly girl getting kicked in the ass, all I can say to her is: that'll teach ya to look so good and feel so right.

Liz said...

My favorite part of your Friday night was your teaching the guy new sexual moves. HILARIOUS. You know that he'll try those out in 2 or 3 years when he "scores" next.

nabbalicious said...

I can't decide what my favorite part is, really, but I've decided that I'm going to start telling every new person I meet that I'm a heart surgeon. It sounds so much more interesting than the truth.

lizgwiz said...

Okay, I'm just sitting here wondering how you explained "going up" to the guy. That is hilarious.

stefanie said...

I definitely have to come up with a good fake career to use when talking to strangers in public. That's better than telling them I write things no one reads (which is how I usually describe my life as a technical writer).

Darren McLikeshimself said...

I'd pay good money to know what you told this guy about "going up" on a girl.

Red said...

DCCM, thanks! I wasn't sure how the masses would react to my violent tendencies.

Kate, I'm not sure! Let's buy some and scatter it like ashes.

Sognatrice, niiiiice. Anyone who relates a High on You quote to life is my automatic friend.

Liz, I know, I'd love to be a fly on the wall! Except not. Ew.

Nabbalicious, I know, right? Let me know how it goes over!

Stefanie, what about Director of Search for Intelligent Life Initiatives for NASA? That might be my next fake job.

Liz and Darren, well. It involved the girl standing on her head against a wall. And her ass.