Wednesday, March 28, 2007

As eHarmonious As Ever

To: Red
From: eHarmony
Subject: Red, We've Extended Your 60% Discount!

Dear Red,

Spring is definitely in the air! The response to our special 60% discount was incredible! And we don't want you to miss out, so we're giving you just a few more days to take advantage.

You're getting our ABSOLUTE LOWEST RATE AVAILABLE at a great time of year for starting a new relationship. So we urge you to seize this opportunity and continue getting to know your matches today.

Remember, it only takes one.

To: eHarmony
From: Red
Subject: I would prefer to discuss a refund

Dear eHarmony,

Fuck you so hard. No, seriously. Fuck you SO HARD. I can't put it more eloquently than that.

First of all? Or second of all, considering that swearing at you came first of all? My brief stint in office work taught me that 60% discounts on your services mean that your company is failing. And that makes me happy.

And you're right, it only takes one. It only takes ONE OF THE JACKASSES THAT YOU SET ME UP WITH TO MESS UP MY LIFE. I'm sorry. Was I yelling?

Clearly you're not familiar with my blog. Are you not aware of what your dating service did to me?

To be fair, I guess it really wasn't you. You were the conduit but not really the reason that I had to wear the sad grape bridesmaid dress, that I accidentally slept with a married guy (with kids!) after the reception, that I lost my best friend of ten years. I can't blame all that on you.

Or can I?

I shouldn't. But I do. A little bit.


To: Red
From: Mail Delivery Subsystem
Subject: delivery problems encountered

A message (from Red) was received at 29 Mar 2007 3:25:23 +0000.

The following addresses had delivery problems:

Permanent Failure:
Delivery last attempted at Thu, 29 Mar 2007 03:25:24 -0000

To: eHarmony
From: Red
Subject: delivery problems encountered

Dear eHarmony,

Your inability to hear me is somehow appropriate. Best wishes for continued success.



Stefanie said...

"It only takes one" indeed. Apparently that "one" is not among the 314 men already put to rest in my "Closed matches" list.

Glad to hear you're holding your ground, I guess. I actually DID get sucked in by their "Absolute lowest rate ever!" email a few months ago, as you know.

My question for you is this: is Match really any less frustrating? I am unconvinced but curious.

-R- said...

Oh the whole meMarmony story makes me said all over again.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I hadn't read your previous entry about your best friend. That was touching and so sad. I've been through something like that with a friend (though it had nothing to do w/ eharm).

Eharm has also tried to suck me in with those emails. I've been on too many horrible dates to sign up again. I think I'm giving up:-) Forever to be the Single Jen!

Red said...

Stefanie, well, it hasn't worked yet, but I like that there seems to be a little less drama than with eHarmony. You can start talking to someone right away instead of having to answer lots of questions and build up to "open communication." Also, it's cheaper and everyone and their (single) brother seems to be on it.

-r-, aw, sorry.

Single Jen, I highly doubt that! Dating is rough. I have a new approach that I'm trying out though, which I'll blog about shortly. :)

don't call me MA'AM said...

I was just wondering the other day as I watched yet another MeMarmony commercial for about the 247th time on the same freaking channel... "Hmm. Are they having troubles soliciting business??"

Guess so.

Anonymous said...

I remember actually cutting and pasting this line in an email to Single Jen at the time she was going thru that w/ our friend!

"Email confrontations are ugly and childish at worst and unproductive at best; I don't recommend them unless you're fairly certain that you want that to be your last interaction."

I SOOO agree w/ you.

mist1 said...

I don't get solicited by online dating services. They know better. I would ruin their reputation.

Melissa said...

Married Jen - right on, you really nailed it. Email confrontations are the worst.

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