Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Years Go By, I'm Looking Through A Girly Magazine

I went to Store 24 for gum and Diet Pepsi and apparently lost my mind, because I came out with the gum, DP, Cosmo, People, Us Weekly and Allure. Why? Especially why COSMO? I don't know. I had just been thinking about how lame it is that I haven't made any time for reading this year when I have so freakin' many books that I want to get to. And... this is the solution?

I love this shit, though. Ricki Lake lost more than 100 pounds and Us listed a few days' worth of the food that she eats. One of her breakfasts was pastel frittata with shiitake mushrooms, Gruyere and fresh herbs. Uh. Yeah. Sounds just like the cereal bar that I eat in my car on the way to work. It should be easy to emulate her success strategies and work in a little PASTEL FRITTATA during my commute.

Allure and People are pretty straightforward, as always: summer products and lame human interest stories, respectively. But oh Cosmo, you glossy vixen. You almost feel bad for it, like the trampy girl in your freshman dorm who meant well but would've fucked your futon if it said she was pretty. Reading it now is how I felt reading Teen and YM when I was 13: Should I be laughing dismissively or frantically searching for my prom date?

Anyway, Cosmo taught me what his text messages really mean, and that when he texts "What are u up 2 L8R?" it means "Wanna meet up and go home together?" (It doesn't mean "What are you up to later?" I'm so naive.) They also taught me how to cuddle by using spoons to illustrate different positions for different moods. If you put your spoonhead on his spoonlap, it makes him feel manly.

Ashlee Simpson, who apparently brought a picture of her sister into the plastic surgeon and said "Please, as close as you can get me to this" is on the cover, along with the words "75 Sex Tricks: They're So Hot, This Magazine May Burst Into Flames." For the love of God, Cosmo, is there really anything left? I could understand if we were still in college with the requisite jar of honey dust in the top drawer, but do you really have close to 100 tricks to share with women in their 30s and beyond who give new meaning to been there, done that, bought the t-shirt?

But the article was actually quite entertaining because it was all tips from men. Call me childish, but the wording was the best part. Angelo, 31 enjoys the occasional "delicious thrill." Oscar, 20 talked about "nibbling at the swollen head." Earl, 26 enjoys the ocean because "the cresting waves add to the ecstasy." Andrew, 28 has a girlfriend with "hidden reserves of bone-crushing passion." And finally, Billy, 23, urges you to "Come to bed covered in baby oil. You'll be so slick, I won't know which way to do you first."

That's about when I closed the magazine and resolved that this will be the year that I finally finish Anna Karenina.


-R- said...

I have never even heard of Allure.

I love your description of Cosmo. Perfect! And scary. But I don't think Cosmo is the slutty girl in your dorm who means well. I think it is the girl in your dorm who pretends to her parents that she goes to Bible study every night, when really she is doing anything that moves just because she can.

Stefanie said...

Occasionally I am intrigued by the glossy covers on those magazines while I'm standing in the checkout line. Thank you for reminding me why my time and money is better spent elsewhere. Your recap was far more entertaining than the magazine itself would have been.

She's a big star said...

Good luck in life Billy, good luck!
Now, I'm off to vomit!

Stephanie said...

Wouldn't the baby oil make the sheets all greasy? Honestly, if you're over 30, (or over 20 for that matter) you tend to put a bit more caution into what touches the bedsheets that you have to sleep on later. And baby oil, nasty. Not only does it get all over everything, but it reminds me of my daughter, and that's the last thing I wanna be thinking about while I'm getting it on.

Anonymous said...

You should definitely consider finishing Anna Karenina, but I doubt it'll make you feel any better. I've been about 50 pages from the end for a year now. Why is it that all the classic books makes you feel like humanity is corrupt and you should just go ahead and kill yourself to get it over with?

Anonymous said...

Oh, Billy. You poor, niave, sure-to-be-disappointed young lad.

I have to say, however, that the spoons were the best part. Nothing turns me on like a man touching his spoon to my spoon.


3carnations said...

You lost me at Store 24. It brought me back to the only place I've ever seen Store 24, Portsmouth, NH, and how it was practically right across the street and it took care of my every need when I was too lazy to get in the car, but not too lazy to walk half a block...Good times. Glad they're in the past. :)

Anonymous said...

Wait. Which part is the "swollen head"...?

ellagood said...

i honestly cannot make it through a single issue of Cosmo.

my breaking point at even considering skimming it came when they gave a blow job tip that involved a SCRUNCHIE. a fucking SCRUNCHIE.

wow. let me tell you, if you wear scrunchies, you better damn well know how to give some good head.

Anonymous said...

Stupid magazines are my weakness. I especially fall prey to them when at the airport getting ready to take a flight. Hilarious recap!

Killer said...

I can't finish my cereal because I keeping worrying if my spoon's head was touching another spoon's butt.

Lola said...

I never did get the honey dust thing. And how do you get baby oil out of 450-thread-count sheets?

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