Random Halloween Memories

Being a redhead growing up in the 80s, I kept hearing that I should dress up as Pebbles Flinstone, so one Halloween I made it happen. I got all prehistoric and even glued a plastic bone to a hair clip. My hair defied gravity. And the only reaction I remember is a woman who looked at me and said, "Oh! You're a... cavewoman!"

I always forgot to ask for pennies to fill the Unicef box they handed out to us at school and I always got lectured the next day. What can I say, teach, I had candy on the brain, and let's face it, Ethiopian kids are probably getting used to not eating.

My fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Redfern, played the movie Watcher in the Woods for the class on Halloween. Since it was put out by Disney, I'm sure she assumed it was harmless enough. Almost twenty years later, I'm still a little traumatized by it. It's the scariest movie I've ever seen, and I didn't even see the whole thing. She ended up having to turn it off halfway through because everyone got so upset. When I was in college, I told my friends this story and they insisted we rent it on Halloween. Even I assumed it would be more funny than scary, but that was not the case. Only a few were able to make it all the way through, and I wasn't one of them.

One time at a Halloween party I ended up hooking up with my friend's brother. In my defense, he was dressed as He-Man.

I only went to Salem on Halloween once, in college. I dressed up as a witch; I'm nothing if not creative. 98 Degrees was playing on a little stage. They were a new band and hadn't yet made the lasting impression on the landscape of pop music that they have today. (Give me just one night! Una noche!) They were trying to engage a mostly bored audience, and Drew Lachey asked me if I was a good bad witch or a bad bad witch. I wanted to play along, but it was such a weird question that I could only say, "What?" If only I had a time machine and could take advantage of my proximity to Nick Lachey that night, and tell him that I'm from the future and that he must not marry Jessica Simpson. Or waste another day trapped in the shadow of his mistakes.

In my early 20s I went to a friend's party dressed as an angel, and later on left my halo in the backseat of a cab. Doesn't that sound like a Bob Dylan lyric?

Also, my parents didn't start handing out full-size candy bars until after I didn't live with them anymore. What the hell?

Here's To Two Years Ago Today

For awhile (86 years, to be exact), it wasn't looking good.









And then... and THEN...









Go ahead and say it, New Yorkers. I eat your hate like love.

Watch Out For That Dieing Gas

If you're looking for a spooky story to entertain your friends with this Halloween, I'm happy to share this gem that I wrote when I was eight.

One day in a town called Socksbury there lived 2 beautiful maidens but they were no more lucky then dirty pigs in fact a wicked wicth had put them under a spell it was every time they reached the age 16 they would go back to the age of 7 1/2! So one day the little maidens turned back to 7 1/2 so the wicth made sure they stayed 7 1/2 for the rest of her life the prettey children were then slaved starting at the crack a don and working to 5:30 in the morning then they always tried to kill the wicth but with her truly powerful powers they were forced out and very terrefid. So one day while maiden Jessica was ironing and maiden Elizabeth [editor's note: ha] was scrubbing the steps they decided to sneakout at night. Meanwhile, the wicth was very sick because maidens had put dieing gas on her favorite chair so every time she went to sit down she would get sicker. Finlay, the maiden sprayed it all over her bedroom, quickly they ran away. Suddenly, they bumped into the wicked wicth herself. Wacth your way you brats said the wicth. I am going to bed there is a list of chores to do in the darkness room. Yes Mrs. Wicth they said. Suddenly a loud shot came form the wicth she burst out of the room and ran after the girls. Run Jessica cried Elizabeth. I will! shouted Jessica. Run your fastest you fools I am turning you both to chopped liver! Hocass pocass and...whats the rest thought the wicth. You brats tell me or you shall die! I'd love to see you try to kill us shouted Jessica. Yes sighed Elizabeth. Now the wictch had it she flew after the children as they ran faster and faster as the wicth came closer. Soon the wicth found out those beautiful maidens were not her children they wanted parents of there own. Suddenly the wicth decided to be no longer cruel! Then a crash bang came to the wicth it was Elizabeth. Elizabeth had fell dead tears run down Jessica's checcks tears ran down the wicth's balck skin the instant the wicth's hand touched Elizabeth's the wicth turned into a pair of people! Elizabeth woke up in a second. Our parents! They got a great big kiss they had parents. The End

And on the next page:

My braclets

20 rubber braclets
1 yellow braclet
1 curly braclet
2 blue thicky braclets
1 white solid braclet
1 heart braclet
1 shiny one
18 pipe cleaner braclets

I'm not sure what's scarier: the wicth or an 8-year-old covered in pipe cleaners.

Happy Birthday, MTV! or, I Stopped Caring About You After the Early 90s But Enjoy Your Cake

In honor of MTV's 25th birthday, let's recall the only moment really worth remembering in the station's past quarter century, shall we? Otherwise known as the moment, 14 years ago, that I knew I was straight.



Okay, and one other moment. As if I could forget The State.