red alert

One Red Opinion and I know that the havoc wreaked by our identical names has been keeping you up at night. We know you're sick and tired of clicking on the link to figure out which one of us left you that comment. So instead of having a dance-off to Red Red Wine to determine who gets to use the name, we've decided to join forces and give you some pointers on how to more easily tell us apart. Read on, figure out which Red is right for you, and then collect us all! You pay only for shipping and handling.

That Red is a redhead, lives in Oklahoma, and is a self-proclaimed redneck. This Red is a redhead, lives in Boston, and doesn't know any rednecks personally. She does have a Mormon governor, though, if that earns her any points.

That Red believes in the Bible. This Red sees a Bible whenever she goes to a wedding or funeral.

That Red is about to have a baby. This Red enjoys other people's babies.

That Red has a husband. This Red sometimes pretends to have one to keep serial killers away.

That Red used to love the show Knight Rider. This Red used to drive a car that talked ("right door is open") which means she was basically a chromosome away from being David Hasselhoff.

That Red called Charlie Sheen a drug addicted partying manchild. This Red liked that description but sort of wishes she knew a drug addicted partying manchild because how fun would he be to hang out with every now and then.

That Red worries about raising kids in a country where every famous starlet is half-naked and "almost longs for the cheesy mall days of Tiffany." This Red says amen to that, but at the time of her mall days preferred Debbie Gibson.

That Red was never called a "dirty, dirty girl" by a dolphin trainer in the Bahamas. This Red may have been, but she can explain.

That Red got pissed off when Snopes verified that an email forward about a missing teenager was a hoax. This Red got pissed off when Snopes verified that a story she heard at work about a kid stealing a penguin from a local aquarium was a hoax.

That Red likes dirty jokes. This Red likes dirty jokes. Ahh, the common ground.