20 Reasons Why You Probably Shouldn't Like Me

Another blogger (not a Neighborhooder) had a list of 20 things she doesn't like that everyone else does. I have a few of those myself, but let's cut right to the chase, shall we?

I present to you, in no particular order, twenty good reasons to delete me from your bookmarks immediately.

1. I don't like camping. As far as I'm concerned, Red Roof Inn is roughing it. No, I don't freakin' come out and say this if some nice person is excited about their upcoming camping trip. If that's your thing, then more power. But when a friend told me he slept on the beach when he went to Hawaii, believe you me I thought it sounded more homeless than romantic.

2. I don't like dogs. This is a big one. Who doesn't like dogs? Certainly not anyone worth knowing. Here's the thing... I like dogs in THEORY. I love the IDEA of having a dog. But in reality, they slobber and shed and kind of smell and I'm sorry, but their butts are just never that clean, and if there was one rolling around on my bed, that's all I'd be thinking about.

3. I don't like cats. I don't feel quite so bad about this one, because feline hatred is more socially acceptable. I hate how cats sit under a piece of furniture and stare at you. Seriously, why is that okay? If I sat in somebody's living room and stared at them, there'd be awkward conversations and restraining orders, not catnip and succulent chunks of Fancy Feast in a silver dish. And cats will just be hanging out, nice and mellow, and then suddenly they'll freakishly decide theyhavetobeintheotherroomRIGHTTHISSECOND!

4. I don't like football. I can't tolerate even one second of it. I can't even deal with the Superbowl, even though the Pats always seem to win it. My family and friends always have a Superbowl party and I just lie on the floor eating dip and missing baseball so very much. But I still go to the party, because, duh, there's dip.

5. When it gets dark early in the winter, I don't mind. I don't mind it at ALL. I actually think it's cozy. In New England, this is practically grounds for public lynching.

6. I like Oprah magazine, but I can't make it all the way through Anna Karenina.

7. For about ten years, my favorite song has been You Get What You Give by the New Radicals.

8. A lot of the time, I'm not even listening to you.

9. No, I'm kidding. What'd you say?

10. Things I will defend until I'm blue in the face: the movie Cruel Intentions, the show Felicity, and Frank's Red Hot Sauce.

11. Steve Irwin's death is definitely sad, but there hasn't been such a rampant misuse of the word "ironic" since Alanis released that stupid song in the late 90s.

12. I think I need to tone this down a little. Even I'm starting to not like me. Steve Irvin was a goddamn Australian hero, Red! Show some freakin' respect! Crikey.

13. For awhile I was having a bunch of fiestas, so much so that it was looking like I was vying for the title of hostess with the mostest... but these days I just have friends over to drink wine and watch TV. It's an exciting life, people, but someone has to lead it. (But maybe I'll entertain the idea of getting back on the party train. When you're the hostess, you can wear things like glittery false eyelashes because everyone coming already knows you're a big freak... and if they're a friend of a friend, they've probably been sufficiently warned.)

14. I like terrible music. Does it get any better than iTunes' Party Hip-Hop collection? Go look it up. I'll wait here.

15. While on iTunes admiring their aforementioned Party Hip-Hop collection, I found that I liked Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon's sex song mix. Oh, also, why did Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon publish a sex song mix on iTunes?

16. I'm probably more like Sally (the one Harry met) than I'd like to admit, in that I'm the worst kind: high-maintenance but think I'm low-maintenance. This reality comes crashing down on me when I find myself around someone who actually IS low-maintenance. This person is usually camping, petting a dog, and enthusiastically reading Tolstoy.

17. I don't like violent TV shows... CSI, Law and Order, Dissecting the Corpse, Let's Watch a 7-Year-Old Get Stabbed in Slow Motion shows. I don't like even like 24, and nobody doesn't like 24. Jack Bauer can practically turn straight men gay, for cryin' out loud.

18. I have a touch of road rage. But only because the guy in the white Honda TOTALLY STARTED IT!

19. One time my old roommate and I were watching an episode of Jackass where two of the guys tried to race each other to drink a gallon of milk. They drank a whole bunch really fast and then both started throwing up milk everywhere. My roommate started gagging and ran to the bathroom and started throwing up herself. It suddenly seemed like the entire world was puking. I could not stop laughing. Eventually I helped peel her off the bathroom floor, but in the meantime, oh my, that was comedy at its most basic level.

20. For Halloween, I'm considering going as JonBenet If She'd Lived: too much mascara, at least one black eye, a track mark or two, and, of course, the cowgirl outfit. Yee-ha! May she rest in peace.

Thanks for your time. I'll show myself out.