When Frosty melts. What's the lesson here? That someday everyone we love will die so we might as well enjoy them while we can? Fine, I guess that's an okay lesson. But I still can't hear "Frosty the Snowman knew the sun was hot that day..." without being overwhelmed with dread. My mom claims that when I was little I would become hysterical following Frosty's demise. What a treat I must have been.
When Hermey and Rudolph have to run away together because no one at home can deal with their socially unacceptable nose/fact that they want to be a dentist. Like there's anything wrong with rhinoplasty/dental school? And then the poor bastards end up on the Island of Misfit Toys, which is sort of like claymation's homage to New Jersey, with nary a licensed plastic surgeon or bubble gum-flavored fluoride treatment.
Two words: Christmas Shoes. I'll be experiencing a massive personal trauma like a long line at Bloomingdale's or the effort of avoiding the forlorn gaze of the Salvation Army bell ringer, and then I hear this song, and I suddenly want to cuddle with a homeless person and cut up my Mastercard. Kind of.
A Very Brady Christmas. Have you seen this? It's so great. And it ends with (SPOILER ALERT) Mike getting trapped in one of his buildings as it's collapsing. Personally, I'd rather see the incompetent architect go down with his own crappily built ship rather than an innocent office manager who just works in the damn place. But no worries, Carol sings O Come All Ye Faithful, and Mike is able to toss aside the ninety ton cement slabs than he's pinned beneath. In an emergency situation, it can be tough to decide between calling 911 or Christmas caroling, but thankfully she made the right call. (Miraculously, Carol's singing not only helped Mike emerge unscathed, but Kitty Carryall was also plucked from the rubble, Cindy spontaneously lost her lisp, and Jan suddenly felt okay just being Jan.)
Charlie Brown and his bag of woes. How old is he, like eight? Why is life so difficult? Where the hell are their parents? Charlie just wants to have fun, his friends all mock him, and he incessantly wonders what it's all about. Shut up, I see absolutely no similarities.
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19 comments:
Two things:
It should be mentioned that in A Very Brady Christmas, Cindy was played by Charles (in Charge)'s love interest, Gwendolyn Pierce.
Is it me, or is your title short one word?
I always thought "Frosty" was for sadists. What a horrible story to show to children.
But I do have a soft spot in my heart for the Island of Misfit Toys!
We're on the Island of Misfit Toys, here we don't want to stay. We want to travel with Santa Claus, in his magic sleigh!
I'm at a loss for words. Just promise me that when the book deal comes (and it will come) that you include this one in the collection.
I'm with Darren.
"Clamation's homage to New Jersey"? Priceless.
GREAT post.
I have one to add.
Mommy kissing Santa Claus!
Shouldn't the kid be more worried that his or her mother is having an adulterous affair instead of commenting "What a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen..." ???
Anyway, that song has always bothered me.
Yeah, a great list indeed.
Thanks for making me want to die, Red!!
For me it's an old Nat King Cole song called "The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot." It made me cry as a child.
It starts with "He's the little boy that Santa Claus forgot. And goodness knows he didn't want a lot." And ends with "I'm so sorry for that laddie....he hasn't got a daddy...." All sung in that lush Nat King Cole voice.
Who wrote that song, for pete's sake? And I LOVE A Very Brady Christmas. Sing, Carol, sing!
I think a lot of Charlie Brown's problems stems from the fact that he's 8 and totally bald. Clay Rudolph!
You've outdone yourself here Red. Can I add the movie "Jack Frost" to the list? It's a recent classic. The father dies at the beginning of the movie and comes back as a...wait for it...snow man. I haven't actually seen it, but according to my math there are only two ways it can go. Either the kid stores dad in the freezer forever, or there's a heartbreaking springtime scene where dad melts.
I never liked Charlie Brown. Especially as a child. He used to bore me to death.
All five were so on point, but a special thanks for reminding me about A Very Brady Christmas; if memory serves, and I think it does, I do believe you can actually SEE the that the collapsed "wall" is corrugated cardboard. Rock on, Red!
Keith, thanks for the trivia and catching the typo (or missing word, whatever the problem was).
DCMM, nobody wants a Charlie in the box...
Libragirl, the train couldn't rectify his situation because he was on an island, that's why he needed Santa to come pick him up. Clearly I've given this some thought.
Darren, thanks! Will you publicize it?
Stefanie, thanks!
Married Jen/Single Jen & Othur-me, you know what's funny is that I was JUST listening to that song and I found myself thinking that maybe the whole joke is that it was the kid's dad dressed as Santa. You think? All this time I've gone under the assumption that mommy's a dirty whore.
Greg, thanks, and you're welcome, I think!
Liz, holy crap, that's brutal. Couldn't Santa have sponsored him for 10 cents a day or something?
Dave, I can't WAIT for Clay Rudolph. She thinks I'm cute!
Kate, we're renting that.
LC, I know. Poor Charles.
Metaliag, OK, I'm watching it again just because of that fun fact. Whee!
You are KILLING me here. I'm with Darren. I'll help with the publicizing too.
I don't know of the Christmas Shoes song.
Kids' songs that made us cry -- add the Unicorn Song where they all get washed away in the flood because they were playing and didn't come in when Noah called, and the one about the boy who's friends with the dragon, but he grows up and the dragon goes into his cave to die, or wait, or something.
Ah. Childhood. Good times. Good times.
You're an incredibly vacuous fuckhead. Congrats, and kudos.
There are only two problems with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer:
1) Who the hell makes a train with square wheels in the first place?
2) There's only one reason why someone yanks all the teeth out of a healthy adult, and it's not to make them helpless--the Bumble could just squash them all flat with his mighty fist. I think we all know what that reason is.
I have my own list of Evil Xmas Stuff:
"Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire": All the chestnuts died off decades ago, and the damn song takes forever. Nat King Cole could pull this off, but he was Nat King Motherfucking Cole, and the song should have been buried with him.
"The Little Drummer Boy": Also takes forever. We had to sing this stupid song every Christmas, and by the third pa-rum-pum-pum-oh-fuck-it, I was ready to cut the stupid kid's hands off and nail them to his forehead. And, to top things off, when they made the inevitable claymation special, you find out that the brat can't even play the drums for shit. Hey, Baby Jesus, if you like the drums so much, resurrect Keith Moon and John Bonham. And send Ringo to hell.
"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer": Wasn't funny the very first time.
The nameless asshole who puts a gold piece in some Salvation Army bucket every year: The hungry and homeless of America thank you for ignoring them the other 364 days, and then making your Big Charity Statement with an untraceable, easily-pocketed token. Oh, what's that? It didn't show up this year? Darn the luck! I'll go assuage my sorrow by going over to my friend's house--you know, the one who volunteers as a Salvation Army bell ringer--and playing with his new Playstation 3, that he just bought off of eBay.
Mistletoe: A handy way of finding out who would rather run out into the freezing dark rather than kiss you, and who will make you sew your lips together so that they can't kiss you. As if you didn't already know.
Purchasing memory cards is such a chore... You have to search online for prices, filter through which ones are legit, step out and walk around a bunch of stores,compare prices, finally buy your memory, and then hope that the price doesn't fall in the next 2 weeks or so.
I've been f'd over by some ridiculous price drops in the past... especially this one time when I bought a Micro SD for my DS flashcard at what I thought was a steal, only to later see that it fell five bucks in a week.
(Posted using Nintendo DS running [url=http://quizilla.teennick.com/stories/16129580/does-the-r4-or-r4i-work-with-the-new-ds]R4i[/url] PostN3T)
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