State of the Products

Fellow citizens: As we gather tonight, our nation is at war, our economy hovers on the brink of recession, and the civilized world faces unprecedented dangers. Yet the products have never been better. (Applause.)

For me: Creme de la Mer moisturizing cream, because there is no other. You only use a tiny bit at a time, so two ounces can last for close to a year. Cetaphil facial cleanser. Kiehl's avocado eye cream. There's no better make-up than Bare Escentuals. Go right to Sephora and get the starter kit in your skin tone. Really. You can thank me later. Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey, CO Bigelow rose salve, Palmer's cocoa butter stick, Aquaphor for whatever ails your epidermis. NARS hydrating body serum, Bath & Body Works Grin and Bare It, and Nivea smooth sensation. I also really like the La Mer body lotion, but it's absurdly expensive and I only have it because it was a gift. Also, carry a tiny Purell with lotion in your bag and you won't remember how you ever lived without it (no, really, it's good stuff, and not as rubbing alcoholy as straight Purell).

For my bathroom: Kerastase nutritive and L'oreal vive pro shampoo and conditioner, Fresh soda shampoo and pomegranate conditioner. I alternate which ones I use and avoid my hairdresser's voice mail death threats that it's been MONTHS and she can only imagine how long and full of split ends my hair must be now. (True story. She's a family friend.) Origins' Never a Dull Moment and Bath & Body Works I'm in the Mood for Scrub. Skintimate with baby oil, the Venus. Philosophy senorita margarita hot salt scrub and their cinnamon buns 3-in-1. Johnson's softwash and a rubber ducky.

For your bathroom: Guests in my home can rock it out in a bathroom stocked with either L'Occitane or Bliss minis. I like to switch it up because I live on the edge. The shower/tub has Nexxus Therappe shampoo and conditioner, Biotherm Aquathermale body wash, Philosophy Falling in Love bubble bath, and Dove exfoliating body wash. No bars of soap; sorry boys, can't do it. You also get your own ducky. Oh, and there's a bottle of Bath & Body Works aromatherapy sleep lotion on the guest room bedside table. (While organizing the haunted house at my Halloween party last month, I mistook it for a beer in the dark and almost asked Steve to throw it out, until Kate caught my near-tragic mistake.)

For Maliavale: The thing about perfume is that I sort of love it and sort of don't. If I really like a scent, I usually prefer its accompanying lotion, since walking past too many ladies who overspray has scared me out of ever inadvertently becoming one of them. Plus, I very rarely find a scent that I really like, since I think a lot of perfumes smell the same, sort of like eau de trying a tiny bit too hard. Having now talked this to death, I like (and own) Chanel No. 5, Burberry Brit, and Sarah Jessica Parker's Lovely.

And finally, for the record: This was the year that I tried ProActiv. I don't have acne (thank God, since I'm all growed up) but I figured if it could make all those stars look so glowy, I could get on board with that. Yeah, don't do it. I loved it for about a week (and gleefully announced "I'm using ProActiv!" to people who would inevitably shake their heads in response), and then one morning I woke up looking like a burn victim. Bottom line: Jessica Simpson LIES.