Monday, December 11, 2006

I Was Just Trying to Buy Brownie Mix and Everyone at the Store Made Fun of Me, and Other Anecdotes on Life

What do you think, have I found the title for my autobiography, or what?

This is reason 3,001 why I don't bake. I remembered on the way home that I had to bring brownies into work tomorrow. Because the grocery store is So Far Away, I went to Store 24, so I pretty much felt guilty before I walked in the door. At a place like that there's always that sense that anything you're purchasing could've been sitting on the shelves since the same store was illegally selling me Marlboro Lights in high school.

But they had brownie mix and I looked at the back of the box to see what else I needed: vegetable oil, eggs, water. I must have read the ingredients under my breath because a woman walking behind me said, "You don't know how to make brownies?" I turned, smiling, assuming she wasn't a horrific bitch, but she was. Woman was totally sneering at me. Excuse you, Betty Crocker. I should've told her I was making them for disabled kids. Maybe I'll go back tomorrow, hope she comes back in as well, and have a "well, the jerk store called and they're running out of YOU!" moment.

Then I'm in line, and the guy behind the counter turned the egg carton on its side the long way and stacked it in the bag. Maybe I'm overly egg protective, but I said, "Oh, actually, can I get the eggs in their own bag?" The guy said sure and couldn't have been nicer. And then the woman behind me (a different woman!) said, to no one in particular, "Now she needs a separate bag for her eggs!"

Now I need a separate bag? Now? As though the bag is yet another thing in my exhaustive list of demands?

I left and have decided that from now on I'm buying my brownies at Rosie's, like any other respectable non-baker. Clearly the magic of the season has touched us all.

15 comments:

maliavale said...

File under: People to Punch in the Face.

don't call me MA'AM said...

You SHOULD have punched them in the face!

To Bitch #1: SOME mixes require eggs and oil, and some mixes require only water. Red was just being thorough.

To Bitch #2: Step Off. Everyone knows you get a separate bag for your eggs, or else you end up with Humpty Dumpty in your car on the way home.

Bring 'em on, Red. I'll kick their asses for you! I'm in a fighting mood.

Anonymous said...

You should have done your best Joanna quits Tchotchkes imitation and flipped everyone off as you casually strolled out.

Anonymous said...

Wow; one must be part of an elite cadre of really aggressive losers to:

a) actually notice someone else reading the back of a brownie box;
b) subsequently critique them for same; and
c) whine about something that EVERYONE requests.

Bitches. If you lived anywhere near me, I'd bake you some brownies myself :)

stefanie said...

Wow. You sound like me last week. Sorry if the bad luck with assholes all around me somehow spread on over to you.

Also, I always buy the Betty Crocker Low-fat brownie mix. Not because of the lower fat content, but because it is the only variety I can find that requires only water, no eggs or water. And they taste the same as regular; I swear.

othur-me said...

You obviously have a split personality and didn't remember the conversations your alter ego had just before you came to:

Red's Alter Ego: Hey slut! I can totally cook anything! AND YOU CAN'T!.....

Slut: You don't know how to make brownies!?!

(minutes later)

Red's Alter Ego (to cashier): Excuse me sir, not only would I like to you to put the brownie mix in a bag, I need you to quintuple bag it and it's ok to put the eggs in the same bag.

Red (comes to): Oh actually, can I get the eggs in their own bag?

_____________________

See why everyone was so mad, now?

Mr. X said...

See, it's like this: Another year has passed, and neither one of those women has gotten laid.

nabbalicious said...

Brownie boxes are kind of heavy and make fine blunt instruments in a pinch, don't they? Just add a half cup of rage and you're good to go.

Darren McLikeshimself said...

What? Why did any of this happen?

Anonymous said...

When I tell people about my friend Red, I try to explain as tactfully as possible, "Well, I mean she's nice and everything, but she's the kind of person who would totally demand that her eggs get their own bag. Know what I mean?"

I think everyone must have an entitled person like you in their lives, because they all totally get what I'm saying.

Anonymous said...

that's just craziness!! pure and simple - no other ingredients needed.

lizgwiz said...

I have never in my life made a rude remark to a fellow shopper, even if they deserved it, which you most definitely did NOT. Actually I'm usually the person lifting something down from a tall shelf for someone shorter, or telling an elderly widowed man how to cook his brussel sprouts. I can't even imagine what causes someone to be so mean--have they never heard of karma?

Miss Peach said...

Wait, that's insane. Not neighborly at ALL!!!

Party Gal said...

Dang! Just because you're buying a mix doesn't mean you can't cook from scratch. I've been making brownies since I was 5 and sometimes I still use a mix. It saves time. And they're fun to make with or for kids.

Heck, I just tested three brownie mixes and had a blast. (Read about it in a week or two on squeezeoc.com.) Ghiradelli $4 and Barefoot Contessa $11 mixes came out on top. Sprinkles cupcake mixes are great, too. The pumpkin one rocks, but costs $14.

I say tell that rude lady to mind her own biz. Or complain to management. Sometimes obnoxious customers get 86'd from stores because they're bad for business!

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