50 Cent (he lets me call him Fitty) and I were interviewed in the current issue of Elle. Turns out we have a lot in common.
Elle: Who was your first crush from pop culture?
Me: Luke Skywalker. He was cute and smart and scrappy. Much better than that cocky Han.
50: The mother from The Cosby Show - Phylicia Rashad - was gorgeous to me.
Me: And how about how sexed up she was? Always had one eyebrow cocked and saying something dirty to Cliff. She was all woman.
Elle: Who was your first love?
Me: His name was Drew. We were in kindergarten together. He was cute.
50: My grandmother. I think that for all male children, their first love is their female guardian.
Me: Oh. Well, if you're going to be serious about it... I guess my grandfather. You're so wise, Fitty. Can I call you Half Dollar?
Me: Two Quarters?
Elle: Tell me about your first sexual experience.
Me: It was actually with a girl named Natasha. I bet his was too!
50: I had sex for the first time when I was 12 years old with a grown-ass woman.
Elle: How grown-ass was she?
Me: My follow-up question exactly, Elle.
50: Like, grown-up. Like 22. She wasn't really attractive.
Me: You know that's her claim to fame! Not cool, Five Dimes.
Elle: Still, how did you manage that at 12?
50: Oh man. She managed that. I was a big 12-year-old, though, 160 pounds. I had no idea what I was doing, but I was ready.
Elle: How many women have you said "I love you" to?
Me: A bunch.
50: I've said it three times.
Me: You're a rock. You are an island.
Elle: How do you handle a situation where a woman tells you she loves you, and you don't share the sentiment?
Me: "Oh, um... thank you! You're nice."
50: I'll be like, "Stop playing," or "You buggin'."
Me: I think I need to change my answer, big time.
Elle: If you had to spend the rest of your life as a woman, who would you be?
Me: If I had to?
50: Oprah Winfrey. She started out with black women's views but has been catering to middle-aged white American women for so long that she's become one herself.
Me: Yeah. [whistles, looks around uncomfortably]
Elle: Tell me about the worst date you've ever had.
Me: I've had dates with guys I'd rather not have spent a few hours with, but I haven't really had any horrible dates, funny enough. But saying that guarantees me a few, right?
50: I didn't have a lot of money at the time, so I called a cab and gave the guy money to take us to a movie and be back in two hours - so I'd be able to to drop her off at home. He didn't show up until an hour after the movie got out. We were just standing outside the theater.
Me: Way to make the best of it, Romeo. Why didn't you take her to the candy shop and let her lick the lollipop? Also, you write disgusting songs.
Elle: Do you have any feminine traits?
50: No, not very many.
Elle: So you're not a shoe hound?
50: I didn't know that was a feminine trait. I have a lot - a LOT - about 300 pairs. But women are different. They'll wear the shoes twice a year, and they spend more. Women's shoes never actually go out of style. If they're cute shoes, they're cute shoes.
Me: Holy crap. 300? You ARE a woman.
Elle: Your company released a porn video called Groupie Love. If you're performing, somebody's got to corral them. Do you have your own HR person for groupies?
Me: Yes, yes I do.
50: Nah, it's usually just someone in the entourage.
Elle: Is there one particular trait to look for?
Me: Baseball players.
50: Big bottoms.
Elle: The lyrics to the song "Groupie Love" would suggest that you've had sex with the same woman twice but not realized you'd been with her before. Did this really happen?
Me: No, I always remember the honeys I've bagged.
50: No. Unless it happened under circumstances I wouldn't remember because some type of freak situation went on.
Me: I need more information.
Elle: How are you with names?
Me: Good. I make an effort.
50: I'm good. If you're meeting with people who are giving you millions of dollars, it's good to remember their names.
Me: You stud.
Elle: How many groupies can you handle at one time?
Me: More than you can even imagine.
50: You want groupies? I can handle the same amount that you can. How many can you handle?
Elle: I'm good for two and a half, maybe three at once.
50: Two and a half, three? You THINK you can handle it.
Me: Do you guys want to be alone?