Sunday, September 23, 2007

Quotes of the Week

Me: Okay, do you really want to talk about this? Because here's the deal. Rooting for the Yankees is like going to Epcot Center instead of Europe. It's like going to Italy and looking for the Olive Garden. It's like choosing Paris Hilton instead of Scarlett Johansson. The Yankees are the drive thru value meal of baseball. When you say you're a Yankees fan, especially if you're not from New York, you're saying more about your own lack of character and integrity and class than you even realize.
Dave: You know, I've still never been to the Olive Garden.


Me: The IT guy who works at my school winked at me on Match.
Kate: There are no words.
Me: And you know what this means? If my work laptop breaks there's no one I can call. Do they still make typewriters?
Kate: Who are you, Bridget Jones?
Me: Aren't I?


Over the weekend I was taking care of Dorie's kids, who are 9 and 7, while she and her husband went to a wedding in Philadelphia. First of all, I have new respect for parents. I got the kids off the bus after school on Friday and went home Saturday night so exhausted that I could barely muster the energy to club my ass off until 4 AM. Hearing "Hey, is that the book you're reading? Is the book you bought yesterday? Why did you buy a book yesterday but it's not the book you're reading now? Did you start this book awhile ago and you want to finish it before you read the new book?" five seconds after you wake up kinda makes you want to crawl back under the covers immediately, even when it's coming from kids that I've loved and adored their whole lives. And then between meals (apparently cocktail olives don't constitute "a balanced meal" for children), soccer practice and soccer games and fall ball, not to mention one little girl's mom who screamed from the sidelines, "ALEXIS! Run like you mean it! Put the pressure on! GOD, this is depressing!"... holyfuckingshit. I'm doubling up on my Ortho Tri-Cyclen this month just to be safe.

Anyway, the quote came when the 7-year-old was discussing how hilarious it would be to have a secret hole that allowed him and his friends to see into the girls' bathroom at school. His sister promptly admonished him and said that she and her friends would never want to do that. Then he said, almost wistfully, "You know, it seems like with girls, we want to see THEM naked, but they don't really want to see US naked." Pretty much hit the nail on the head there, buddy.


Stefanie said...

OK, your second one is exactly what kept me from online dating for so long. And it's a big part of why I went with meMarmony instead of Match when I finally did. Horrors.

As for the last one... poor kid. Did you tell him that won't really change much as he gets older?

Anonymous said...

Oh my god HEE!!! I died when I read the 7-year-old's quote. Those words will only become more true as he gets older...

Unknown said...

Mr. "Caaaago Pants Rye" could be a wise man when he grows up. Or pen the sequel to Superbad.

I know this mom whose 7-year-old son just discovered the wonders of touching himself and he told her, "Mom, it feels so good, I swear I'd pay someone to touch it." And so it begins.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Ah..just like I suspected...the wink on can be just as creepy and wierd in the virtual would as it would be in the real world....which is why I dont do it...kinda lame...did he follow it up with a equally sleezy email?

That 7 year old is wicked smaart! (sorry, lame west coast attempt by me to sound more "bostonian")

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. God.

The kid quote is probably the most brilliant and hilarious thing I've ever read.

-R- said...

The quote in Kate's comment is KILLING me.