Sunday, March 13, 2005

Mark's March Movie Madness '05

Note: All films are scaled on a 1-5 Piglet Ratio, with 1 as the lowest, and 5 as the most esteemed.

Siddhartha - (4 piglets) This is the 1972 Conrad Rooks adaptation of Herman Hesse's revolutionary novel. The work that changed the life of every modern day Buddhist and Beat Poet. Why only 4 Piglets? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? Is Siddhartha the Buddha? According to Rooks, the BOATMAN was the Buddha, and then, at the end Siddhartha becomes the new boatman, BUT he is so old by the end of the film when he finds nirvana the he could not have gone on to teach all of his disciples and students. After the Buddha sat under the Bodhi Tree and gained enlightenment, he went on to teach the Way. I am so confused about this film. If anyone knows what the Hell just happened, please Email me or make a Posting to my blog. Thanks.

I Robot - (5 Piglets) I can't remember the last time I saw such a great film. First of all it's about fuckin' ROBOTS, I mean what could be greater than that! Robots that run rampant and are on the verge of annihilating all humankind, and what's better than THAT? Will Smith is totally jacked AND he is partially an ANDROID!! I mean COME ON!! And what could be better than THAT?!?! The main robot has grown a soul, destroys a killer computer, and then becomes the GOD OF ALL ROBOTS!! Owwwwwwwwwwwww!!

SAW - (3 1/2 Piglets) This movie should have been called: "I want to be Se7en." Lame. Not scary. BUT there were enough interesting plot twists to make it watchable, and, at the very end, perhaps even commendable. Great ending (except for the penultimate tag-line). Oddly enough, not enough violence for a would-be violent movie.

Sideways - (5 Piglets) A perfect film. Not a shot or a scene wasted. A young wine taster and borderline alcoholic goes on a week long romp through wine country with his soon-to-be-married and infidelic best friend. The film is really about the old philosophical adage "is the glass half full or half empty?" Which plays nicely with the fact that these two friends coming at life from polarized angles. It's also about finding the right person to spend time with, and how easily life can fuck that up.

Constantine - (4 Piglets) John Constantine is basically a demon-slayer, which you would think would put him on the side of righteousness, however, he isn't a believer... he doesn't have any faith, so his soul is caught in limbo, being fought over by the powers of Light and Darkness. This movie isn't the next Matrix, in fact, it really isn't very good. However, there's this one brilliant shot of an Angel with fully spread wings, praying over a dead man that makes the film worth seeing. Also, the theme of the cosmic battleground between Heaven and Hell actually taking place here on Earth (not in the afterlife) is a wonderful step towards the truth and modernizing the way we look at our lives and spiritual evolution.

Flight of the Phoenix - (2.5 Piglets) You're the captain of a plane that goes down in the middle of the Asian Desert. You have limited supplies and water, and your crew is dying left and right. To top it off, there's a tribe of potentially hostile mercenaries scavenging the land, and they are hot one your trail. What to do? Well, make ANOTHER plane out of your plane! Why not? You have all the parts and you have a plane architect right there among you. The only thing that you DON'T know is that he actually builds MODEL PLANES, not full-sized, fully functioning aircrafts. Are you fucked? Tune into this summer flick to find out.

1 comment:

Red said...

I had to look up the word "penultimate."