Thursday, August 10, 2006

Adulthood at its Finest

Joe: hey b!
Me: what's up, baby daddy?
Joe: you accept my dance off challenge?
Me: you've just stepped into the lion's den, my friend
Joe: well, when BBD is playing, all hell will break loose
Joe: and remember, never trust a big butt and a smile.
Me: this girl is POISON
Joe: you can do me in the morning you can do me in the night, you can do me when you wanna do me
Me: backstage, underage!
Joe: words of wisdom
Me: ew, remember the gross part in that song?
Joe: which part?
Me: smack it up, flip it, rub it down... oh no!
Me: and don't forget, the song title wasn't Do Me, it was Do Me!
Joe: oh yeah, with the exclamation point!
Joe: like a desperate plea
Me: anyway, i kinda want to settle this to the tune of cry me a river, by the illustrious timberlake
Joe: not sexy back?
Me: oh, maybe sexy back
Me: so what are the ground rules for a dance off?
Joe: well, rule #1, it has to be a reality tv show
Me: wait, now we're on a reality TV show?
Joe: how about a show called red's dance party
Me: that would be awesome!
Me: just like me dancing to things that make you go hmmm
Joe: things that make you go hmm, hmm, hmmm
Me: wait, and then every week i challenge someone who has angered me to a dance off
Joe: and they have to pick a bad 80's dance song
Me: this week, That Lady In Front of Me at Bed Bath and Beyond Who Had 600 Coupons
Joe: next week, the bastard who stopped short on haverhill street
Me: yeah, i could have friends do guest dance offs
Joe: it would go something like this:
Joe: Eric nies, host: mr. x, red has challenged you to this dance off for being a turd. now pick your song of choice. mr. x: i choose linear's sending all my love, eric!
Me: what if they pick love of a lifetime by firehouse
Joe: you have the right to block one song per episode
Me: this has suddenly become the grind. get eric nies outta here! i prefer judd the maladjusted cartoonist
Joe: you can always change it up and give the contestant a choice of 3 songs
Me: and how is the winner determined
Joe: the winner is obviously chosen based on the guest judges
Me: i call steve perry to the floor
Joe: steve perry, come on down!
Me: i think my go-to song should be easy lover
Me: when my opponent is almost down for the count, it's like my closer
Joe: and every episode is new guest judges
Me: ok, here's a guest panel: the Edge, garfunkel, and jewel, but only if she's bound and gagged
Joe: leif garrett, meat loaf, and elvira
Me: scott weiland, kevin federline, and brand from the goonies
Me: who would be all, i'm josh brolin! whatever, brand
Joe: slash, danny wood and punky brewster
Me: no i was JUST THINKING DANNY WOOD!
Me: that's awesome
Joe: and punky would be like, my name isnt punky! and you'd be like, whatever, punky
Me: kenny loggins, dane cook's unfunny friend, and goose from top gun
Me: i could do this until we're both ill
Joe: me too!
Joe: robert smith, erik estrada and KITT from knight rider
Joe: "now david"
Me: geraldo, dr. phil, and mama fratelli
Joe: michael j. fox, mr. feeny from boy meets world, and betty white
Me: david caruso, burt bacharach, and a moth
Joe: stevie wonder (judging a dance off), dolly parton, and rusty from national lampoon's vacation
Me: the girl in the KY commercial with the spray who says "that'll work," your first grade teacher, and felicity
Joe: lisa kudrow, lisa lisa, and lisa turtle. a theme episode
Me: barry manilow, barry white, and barry this weird kid who lived down the street from me who used to lick his face
Joe: vanilla ice, iceman and ice cube
Me: stephanie tanner, mallory keaton, gertie
Joe: fred savage, ben seaver, and mike seaver's friend boner
Me: BONER!
Me: mistah seavah!
Joe: mrs. garrett, theo huxtable, and the ropers
Me: the guy from the greatest american hero, she-ra, and vanna white
Joe: brian boitano, the girl from small wonder, and optimus prime
Me: gary coleman, jem's nemesis pizzazz, tooty from facts of life
Joe: bronson pinchot, urkel and mr. kotter
Joe: mr. drummond, snake eyes from GI joe, and papa smurf
Me: inspector gadget, strawberry shortcake's cat custard, and a glow worm
Joe: JJ walker, shneider, and weezie jefferson
Me: the kool aid bottle, mr. T, bea arthur
Joe: re-run, george jetson, and a cabbage patch kid
Me: uncle jesse, luke duke, and mallory's boyfriend nick
Joe: nick!
Me: cagney, lacey, and the jetsons robot maid
Joe: barney rubble, magnum PI and chuck norris
Me: alf, kimberly drummond, and joey lawrence
Joe: but kimberly would never show up!
Me: right, because that's what's keeping all this from happening
Me: kimberly was on my favorite "very special episode of" ever
Me: remember that? when she was bulimic and ate a sheet cake?
Joe: yes!
Joe: although my fave episode of diffrent strokes is obviously the one at the bike shop
Me: what was that one?
Joe: arnold and his friend were tied up by some guy who was probably gonna molest them
Me: right!
Joe: it was a 2 parter
Me: the best ones were
Joe: i remember at the end of part 1, the guy put duct tape over arnold's mouth
Me: i liked the special blossom episodes
Joe: of course!
Me: i just blogged about the one where her boyfriend wouldn't have sex with her
Me: saved by the bell had specials too
Joe: the one with smoking weed
Joe: say nope to dope!

[I discover this gold mine.]

Me: ohhh! dabney coleman doesn't want his daughter to share a hospital room with arnold because he's black!
Joe: haha very special alf
Me: no way i missed that
Me: look at the description: "Kate's alcoholic friend stays with the family for the night and when she meets Alf at 2 a.m. while she is on her binge, she thinks he is her imaginary drinking buddy she sees when she is drunk. Alf convinces her to go to a clinic."
Joe: holy shit do you remember that show california dreams?
Me: yes! OH MY GOD. look at all this wonderfulness from facts of life: "Tootie is lured into child pornography by a sneaky photographer. Natalie is almost raped by a clown on Halloween. A pimp almost strong-arms Tootie into prostitution. Natalie loses her virginity to her boyfriend Snake."
Joe: "Arnold and Kimberly are picked up while hitchhiking. While the driver tries to seduce Kimberly, Arnold is given a sedative and, after managing to escape, has a difficult time trying to tell authorities where Kimberly is being held captive."
Me: "Gang members take over a neighborhood playground and injure Urkel and 3J in the process."
Joe: 3J?
Me: oh my god, fraggle rock is on here: "In an attempt to make the Fraggles, Doozers and Gorgs put aside their differences and live together in peace, The Trash Heap makes all the radishes in the Gorgs garden disappear, hoping to make them realize how much they have in common."
Joe: "After the house is broken into, Rose buys a gun for protection and almost shoots Blanche's date when he enters the house late at night."
Me: "Michelle enters a horse riding contest with permission from her father (Bob Saget) and fell off when her horse painics during an event, temporarily losing her memory. This was the final episode."
Joe: "Carol's boyfriend Sandy (Matthew Perry) dies after a drunk driving accident."
Me: that was matthew perry? i totally remember that
Joe: "Mike receives preferential treatment from his boss (Dick Van Patten) because he (unlike his coworkers) is white."
Joe: tons of racial problems in the 80s!
Joe: Mr. Belvedere: "While at camp, Wesley is given an inappropriate massage by a male counselor. The counselor encourages him to keep the incident a secret, but Wesley reveals the truth when the counselor offers another camper a ride home."
Me: inappropriate massage!
Me: "Richie tries to convince Chachi not to join a gang."
Me: "MacGyver catches some poachers who are killing rhinos for their horns. At the end of the episode Richard Dean Anderson (MacGyver) gives a special message about the problem of poaching and gives a phone number and address for more information about it."
Joe: Saved by the Bell: "Jessie takes caffeine pills in order to keep up with school and her social life. Zack drives drunk and wrecks Lisa's mother's car, which results in Slater being injured. A teen star arrives at Bayside to shoot an anti-drug commercial, but it is later discovered that he smokes pot himself. Oil is struck, and while everyone is initially excited about the money this could bring the school, Mr. Belding and the kids decide to shun the developers when the oil kills the wildlife in a local pond that Zack and the gang had been caring for." all of those i totally remember
Me: all the 80s tv kids took pills to help with school
Me: man, it was all racism, inappropriate massaging, and homework pills
Joe: yup
Me: just a regular thursday around these parts
Joe: indeed!

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