Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Non Sequiturs Abound

Blogs were invented for enhancing the public discourse, i.e. making exhaustive lists of the piddly things that irritate you, right? Of course, I'm far too sweet-natured and life-affirming for such negativity, so instead let's discuss Some Random Crap That's Currently Eating Away at the Fraying Fibers of my Rapidly Decaying Soul. I can feel that positive energy flowing already.

1. The driver who seems to end up in front of me every morning and appears to require an engraved invitation before she feels comfortable merging. To her, Route 9 is a black tie gala and she's hovering coyly on the sidelines waiting for one of the other motorists to ask her to dance. I can't think of any rational explanation for why a fully awake and cognitively intact human being would choose rush hour as the opportune time to sit and stare at the cars passing her by, when between each of them is a yawning black hole large enough to comfortably contain a medium-sized planet (what's up, Neptune).

2. The Pussycat Dolls. To be fair, I have a deep love for kitsch in all aspects of life, but that music is about as tacky as it gets. I'm not talking using the wrong fork and forgetting to send thank you notes tacky, more like not keeping up payments to your heroin dealer and calling INS on your baby daddy's new girlfriend tacky. I'd say it's music to strip to, but I think that's exactly what they're going for. So, okay, it's music to get gonorrhea and a gunshot wound to. It's the same sort of reason that I can't watch Desperate Housewives: it's trying to be over the top and in on the joke, but instead it IS the joke, and you just feel dirty and kind of sorry for them.

3. A manager at Bath and Body Works who immediately, to her credit, recognized me as a product whore and then tried to get Party Jen and I to work there, as all crazed retail managers try to do this time of year. I attempted to explain that I don't live in that town and I already have a job. Then she came at me with, "Thirty percent discount, baby girl!" Even Jen, who would be polite to an inanimate object, just walked away from her. I'm not aproning up for you, B&BW. You may have cornered the market on antibacterial soap, but you're no Beauty and Main. That's right, I said it. Baby girl.

4. When I'm stuck in traffic and some fun song comes on the radio and I can't properly sing along because there's another car right next to me, or there's a person walking down the street next to my car, and I don't want them to catch me belting out "DO YOU TAKE SUGAR, ONE LUMP OR TWO?" so I have to sit there and act reasonable and not like a person who car dances and then I miss the moment entirely.

5. People who state the obvious, even when it's well-intentioned, like it's a novel idea. "I just think that we need to support the troops, even if we don't support the war. You know what I mean?" Hmm, you've lost me, please elaborate. If it's already on a bumper sticker, no need to reiterate.

6. I decided to have a Halloween party... well, if we're being honest, Steve told me that he was thinking of having one, and I stole it from him. I made the compelling argument that most everyone he was inviting lives a lot closer to me (and some people on his guest list were "that friend of yours, what's-her-name"). I used pie charts and Power Point and I successfully partylifted the event. I guess I was just motivated by the power struggle because immediately afterwards I remembered that I hate parties. Awe-some.

15 comments:

kate said...

That's so funny, my sister and i have been laughing for years at our local B&BW manager. she always got in our faces to lotion us up (sexy!) and talked about ''product".

-R- said...

I have never seen anyone describe Desperate Housewives so perfectly.

Melissa said...

Funnier still, my sister IS a BB&W manager. But not the annoying kind. She's at one of the flagship stores with all the upscale product lines. Her discount is 40% and she can dram out samples of anything you'd want to try, like the anti-aging cream she gets for my mom that normally costs $9,568,372.54 per ounce.

Melissa said...

Kindly ignore my misplaced ampersand.

stefanie said...

"Baby girl"? Seriously? Yeah, good move not taking her up on that job offer. Even if you did just tell us recently that you were in the market for a second job.

guinnessgirl said...

Regarding #4, "baby girl", you've gotta let go of that. I car-dance with abandon.

My logic on it is that whenever I see someone else do it, I laugh and think how awesome that person is.

Ergo, I am awesome.

Go on, try it. You, too, can be awesome. I know you can.

dave said...

The tent is stark...I sense a sea change.

Darren McLikeshimself said...

LOVE the new look, baby girl.

LC said...

This template is beautiful. I like it even more than the other one.

So...calm.

Kitty X said...

I'm deeply annoyed with B&BW. I sincerely HATE that place. Everyone is:

1. chipper

2. convinced moonlit pear soiree is the ticket to happiness

3. of the "if she'll buy one lotion, maybe she'll get six" school of salesmanship

and

4. disturbingly committed to "scent layering"

For some reason, I get the creeps and a headache whenever I walk into that place. As for car dancing, I agree with guinnessgirl. Let it all hang out!

kate said...

i'm liking the new layout, but we need red photos.

zorak163 said...

I agree with your post, especially number 4. Love the new layout!

MiMaw said...

The generation gap presents itself to be as wide as the Grand Canyon. I do not know who The Pussycat Dolls are or what they are and going by your description, I don't want to know either.
Your description of Desperate Housewives hit a nerve. I like Desperate Housewives and probably for all of the reasons you gave. The women are so insanely ridiculous and so much fun to laugh at. Those of us who are older and married for 20+ years find this show highly amusing. While on the other hand, The Office and Scrubs must be for the younger generation. The so called humor tickles nothing but my gag reflex. Still, it is nice that we have a variety of shows on television to suit the different age groups. Hopefully, what we enjoy watching on television doesn't define our character and personality!

Red said...

-R-, thanks! I hate that show.

Melissa, what cream? The Wexler stuff? Has she ever tried the Freeze 24/7? Also, you should take advantage of that discount for the True Blue spa line. Good stuff.

Stefanie, I'm with you on that, baby girl.

GG, you're right, why am I letting anyone keep me from expressing myself via the art of the car dance?

Dave, by "stark" do you mean FREAKIN' AWESOME?

Darren, LC & Zorak, thanks! You're all my favorites.

Kate, still rocking the anonymous vibe. Sometimes.

Kitty-X, moonlit pear soiree... priceless!

MiMaw, it's true about the humor gap. One of my best friends is in her early 40s and she and her husband are into that early SNL kind of humor. I just read an article about how Dane Cook is so generation specific that older people literally just don't understand him or most of his references.

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