Okay Folks, Let's All Stick Together and Remember: We're Going to Have F-U-N!

Most of my out of town friends happen to already be well-versed in Boston, so it's been awhile since I've had the opportunity to maximize my inner tour guide. Incidentally, she's a smaller, more hyperactive version of myself, armed with maps, a visor and sensible walking shoes.

Dave came for the weekend and since he really hadn't spent much time around these parts before, it gave me the chance to pull together an itinerary that fell somewhere in between "so, you know, this is the state capitol" and a full-blown recreation of the Revolutionary War starring myself, our Mormon governor, and the guy who drums on giant buckets outside Fenway after every game. And then I thought, why not copyright my tour and forcefeed it to the tourists? I'm still working out a title for it, but I'm already fairly certain that their "Browse Beantown By Bus!" isn't going to sell nearly as many tickets as my "Boston for Shameless Drunks."

Here's what I have so far:

We're not really going to do the Freedom Trail because we can't be constrained by painted lines on sidewalks, my friend, and you can only look at so many Old Churches that Paul Revere May or May Not Be Buried Next To. But it's a good jumping off point, because who doesn't love Boston Common in fall? Do your best to ignore the little hellraiser on the bike who bulldozes toward the gazebo and damn near runs over a tiny girl wearing pink, who immediately becomes inconsolable over her near-death experience. (Observing such an event goes a little something like this: "Awww, that's so swee... OH! MY GOD! WATCH OUT!"

We don't, under any circumstances, make eye contact with anyone giving or participating in a duck tour. Sometimes they quack at pedestrians. Try not to let it faze you and just move on. It's too late for them.

We don't really need to look at the beer menu. Maybe there's blueberry Wachusett. If you're in college, then maybe Harpoon. But really, there's just Sam Adams. You could ask for a Sammy, but reign that urge in. You're not from Southie. Neither is Matt Damon.

Okay, listen. We might go on the Fenway tour. Yes, I know. It sounds excessively touristy. And you know what? It is. But it's also the best way to show you The Most Beloved Ballpark in America during the off-season. And you know what else? I'm okay with that. Incidentally, I drew a big 07 in the center field sand with my foot. I'm hopeful, as always. Tomorrow is a new season.

Yeah yeah, Faneuil Hall. Tourists congregate here, and locals do too, but usually only if they're drunk. So while some of the places there are fun and have character, it's more of an off-hours adventure. Come Saturday by nightfall, you and I are back on the T headed outbound, because I cannot deal with masses of 22-year-old girls who totter along the cobblestone in uncomfortable shoes. Harvard Square is a safer bet.

The Museum of Science is always fun. The Aquarium is fun in theory. Sorry, but fish are kind of boring.

Salem, absolutely, just not this time of year. Doug lives there so we'll hang out with him. That's another bonus of my tour: You get to hang out with my friends. I know I'm a little biased, but really, you have no idea how lucky you are. I'm very picky.

Oh Jason, I'm not sure what I most appreciate you for bringing into my life: Dali or Kate. But for the purposes of the tour, right now we'll focus on Dali. Lovely place and employees, great tapas and sangria. We went there on Friday... it's now a staple on the tour.

Speaking of dinner, the North End! Or Newbury Street, but really only when entertaining female guests, although I do love me some Sonsie, and boys can get on board with that too. My next tour will include visiting their dreamy little wine room for dessert. That will be one hot date. Sign up now.