Monday, December 04, 2006

Wherein I Use More Synonyms for "Vagina" Than I Ever Thought Possible

Damn my expired Us Weekly subscription; I'm so out of the celebrity gossip loop. But I'm happy to find that it's reached terrifying new heights. It appears that in my absence, labia flashing has become a trend. It's not enough that these twenty-something starlets are all drunk and coked up every night, now they're showing off their goods like a new handbag. I mean, what the hell? Is vulva the new black?

When I heard that Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton's favorite new accessories were their vajayjays, I was all like, nuh-uh, did their skirts just ride up a little or something? But people, these pictures are unbelievable! There's one here and another one here... and oh yeah, here's one more! Those are the edited ones, but you can Google Image your way to the real McCoys, as you'd better believe I did. (In fact, not unlike a 14-year-old boy, I said, "Awww, come on!" when the first ones that I found had strategically placed blurs.)

Seriously, WHAT'S GOING ON? You cannot honestly make a mistake like that. You would have to be novacained from the waist down to not feel a gentle breeze long before some paparazzi has a chance to catch your business on film.

What's next, reverse cowgirl with one of the wise men in the middle of a Catholic school nativity scene? Can I get an amen?


Anonymous said...

You'd think a guy might enjoy a trend such as this, but seriously... foul.

Am I the only one wondering when Tara Reid's cooter will make an appearance? And once it does, can we call them the 'Four Whores of the Apocalypse'?

Anonymous said...

It could be would could see hasselhoffs hang grateful..

Melissa said...

D - ha! Also, ew.

Red - Perez Hilton, baby. That's the sugar.

Anonymous said...

Synonyms not used:

lady flower
meat curtains
pink taco
bumblegum sandwich
stench trench
vertical smile
bearded clam

And those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head with only a half a cup of coffee in me. I'll get back to you.

lizgwiz said...

I don't get it, either. I'm gonna blame their mothers. Didn't they ever get the lecture about ladies keeping their legs together? I personally never got a lecture about the need for wearing underwear under short skirts--I guess my mother thought that was a no brainer.

Anonymous said...

"It's not enough that these twenty-something starlets are all drunk and coked up every night, now they're showing off their goods like a new handbag."

Hahahahahaha love it Red.

Melissa said...

Two more synonyms courtesy of Dane Cook:

1. Box of cow tongues
2. High school play curtains

Also, there was a great quote on Perez Hilton that Carly and I both saw:


Funny you should say they're showing it off like a new handbag, 'cause brit-brit's vajayjay looked leathery.

othur-me said...

My new favorite is Otter Wallet.

Miss Peach said...

I can't get over this either. Clearly they don't follow the rule my friend's grandmother regularly told all her granddaughters--your knees should always be close enough together when sitting to hold an aspirin between.

Joe said...

Britney is such a good role model for her kids. It's too bad that she didn't have any girls so that one day she could teach them to flash their downtown bonanza for the paparazzi.

Anonymous said...

I just look at those pictures and wonder whether she felt a breeze. I mean, come on.

And "otter wallet"? Hahaha. EW!

Anonymous said...

I am dying at this post and all the comments. DYING. That is all.

Stefanie said...

Call me old fashioned, but I cannot fathom a life in which I would leave the house without underwear, particularly when wearing a skirt. Have I just found the generational divide between me and the young end of the 20-somethings?

Also, save your time with the Google searching. If you click the blurred out picture on any of those sites you linked, the full and unedited one will display. (You may have already figured this out. I just thought I'd mention it.)

And finally, Darren? Ew. I am simultaneously impressed and disgusted by that list. You could apply for a job as a dirty thesaurus. If in fact such a job exists, of course.

Anonymous said...

Just for the record: I realize it's "bubblegum sandwich," not "bumblegum." I don't mind coming off pervy, but being seen as someone who can't find his own typos is not a reputation I care to live with.

Stefanie, (tips hat and nods graciously).

Anonymous said...

Oh my lord; I should NOT have been drinking anything while reading the post and these comments. Poor li'l keyboard; it never even had a chance!

don't call me MA'AM said...

I personally use the term, "hooha," but I am secretly in awe of le bon mot, "lady bits." I try to use it in a sentence whenever I can to make my husband laugh like a little school girl.

As in, "Good thing I'm wearing tights, because I don't want to pull a Britney and flash my lady bits while getting out of the car today!"

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Anonymous said...

This celebtrend of going commando may seem inexplicable to plain old Sane-and/or-Only-Occasionally-Drunk-Americans, but when one's fifteen minutes are down to the last few grains of proverbial sand, Shortcuts Must Be Taken. Be glad--very, very--that they bothered to put clothes on at all that morning. Seeing Brit's C-section scar was trauma enough. As it is, I don't think I'll be going near the section of the supermarket that has the plucked chickens any time soon.

i like cheese said...

Well, I guess we should be thankful that they're keeping them neatly trimmed, at least...

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