I eventually came to realize that I cannot be rehabilitated. If I'd ever hit rock bottom (a trashcan full of Papermate corpses!) and checked myself into Promises, I'm sure I'd have busted out within twenty minutets or so, just like Britney, sobbing and bald. So imagine my delight when I recently found a pen that I thought I could refrain from consuming. It's the Staples Xeno retractable ballpoint pen and it will be my savior, oh yes. The tip is metal, and even though I still put it in my mouth, being a mere human I cannot chew metal. So, basically, I lick it incessantly. This may not be much of a solution, now that I think about it.
I went into Staples today to buy more (not because I've licked the original pack that I bought into oblivion, but because I want a million of them to replace every pen I ever need in every facet of my life). While hunting for it, one of the perky red-shirted employees asked if I needed help.
"I'm just looking for this pen that I like."
At the time I didn't know the name of it, so I told him I'd know it when I saw it. And indeed I did. He told me it was their bestseller. "And it's your favorite too, huh?"
"Yeah," I said, and then I elected to overshare. "I like them because when I get regular pens, I chew on the caps all the time. And I don't chew these."
His smile faded a little. Until then I had probably seemed so normal. "Oh, well, whatever works for you!"
Come on buddy, you can't judge me. Your store sells the ultimate mindfuck... the easy button. I understand it's their cutesy little marketing thingy, but why do they sell it? Who would buy this? Nothing happens when you push it! If it transported you to Staples or at least placed a call to a 24 hour pen guy hotline, I could understand, but so far as I can tell, it does nothing but take up space and piss off the world. And by the world I mean me.
In case you're interested, here's the pen that changed my life. I think we'll be very happy together. We're registered at OfficeMax.