Thursday, March 01, 2007

This Pen Is Mightier Than My Mouth

I chew pen caps. It's a gross habit, I know. For awhile I was buying those generic ballpoint pens, but it was becoming an expensive habit because I would just eat them. I'd chew away distractedly at the cap, eventually notice what I'd done, and throw it away, disgusted. Then I'd eat another. Better Bic than crack, I suppose, but still!

I eventually came to realize that I cannot be rehabilitated. If I'd ever hit rock bottom (a trashcan full of Papermate corpses!) and checked myself into Promises, I'm sure I'd have busted out within twenty minutets or so, just like Britney, sobbing and bald. So imagine my delight when I recently found a pen that I thought I could refrain from consuming. It's the Staples Xeno retractable ballpoint pen and it will be my savior, oh yes. The tip is metal, and even though I still put it in my mouth, being a mere human I cannot chew metal. So, basically, I lick it incessantly. This may not be much of a solution, now that I think about it.

I went into Staples today to buy more (not because I've licked the original pack that I bought into oblivion, but because I want a million of them to replace every pen I ever need in every facet of my life). While hunting for it, one of the perky red-shirted employees asked if I needed help.

"I'm just looking for this pen that I like."

"What pen?"

At the time I didn't know the name of it, so I told him I'd know it when I saw it. And indeed I did. He told me it was their bestseller. "And it's your favorite too, huh?"

"Yeah," I said, and then I elected to overshare. "I like them because when I get regular pens, I chew on the caps all the time. And I don't chew these."

His smile faded a little. Until then I had probably seemed so normal. "Oh, well, whatever works for you!"

Come on buddy, you can't judge me. Your store sells the ultimate mindfuck... the easy button. I understand it's their cutesy little marketing thingy, but why do they sell it? Who would buy this? Nothing happens when you push it! If it transported you to Staples or at least placed a call to a 24 hour pen guy hotline, I could understand, but so far as I can tell, it does nothing but take up space and piss off the world. And by the world I mean me.

In case you're interested, here's the pen that changed my life. I think we'll be very happy together. We're registered at OfficeMax.

pen

10 comments:

Killer said...

If you find yourself chewing on a pen now are you cheating on the ultimate pen?

don't call me MA'AM said...

I know you can download a free Easy Button program that goes on your desktop (and probably screws up all your other apps)... it does let you buy stuff from Staples. BUT, it doesn't solve your real-life problems. Not that I tried or anything. Really.

zorak163 said...

No cap chewing here but I do break the caps by twisting off the piece that hangs down. I also break paperclips.

fiwa said...

Red, I just had to say, I LOVE CETAPHIL now!!! Thank you :)

Jaek said...

I used to have a severe addiction to chewing all sorts of plastic bits. I would masticate the hell out of pen caps (starting with the "tail" of the cap and culminating in the complete destruction of the cap), I would take that little end-cap bit from the end and chew that up as well. After that I would start on the capless end of the pen (the non-writing end, that is) but I stopped that after a couple of ink related incidents.

I moved on to straws. I would tear a bite size chunk off and chew it for a few minutes then spit it out and bite off another chunk.

My obsession reached its pinnacle when I began chewing on the little plastic ring that is left behind on water bottles and 20oz. bottles of soda (pop). I could chew those rings for hours at a time, only stopping when the severely deformed plastic piece would break and suddenly become a three-inch plastic dagger that would invariable cause me to gag embaressedly.

I was able to (mostly) quite cold turkey a few years ago when I had an expensive root canal and crown. I decided I didn't want to have to replace a couple thousand dollars work for a cheap bit of plastic.

Ummm...tmi?

stefanie said...

They sell the "Easy" button?? I had no idea. And I am as disturbed about it as you are.

Also, we should all have a label for "Telling strangers things they don't need to hear." Ha.

metalia said...

Ah! One of my cube-mates has an "Easy Button."

I want to stamp that thing into oblivion.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this, my boyfriend is absolutely disgusted with my habit and I am too. I absolutely want to quit but I can't! It is horrible!!!! Quiting smoking was easier than this! NO kidding people! Don't laugh it is serious to those afflicted. The worst is I have to buy a million packs of highlighters because those don't come in metal and I chew the crap out of them. It is so strange, I don't even realize I am doing it but I can't concentrate unless I do it. I try to chew gum also but no help, just makes my jaw tired. I have been told this may be a form of OCD (obsessive-compulsive) and now that I see that I am not alone I may just believe it a bit.

Joshua said...

Hey! your defiantly not alone. I chewed mine completely. cap, then the end, then the tube, had to be mindful not to eat it down to the ink. once it was almost useless i would pull the ink cartridge out and finish off the white part and took out the ink from the black part that joined it to the tube. Coke rings too, untill recently. they've changed them and made them harder to get off. But recently i realized that the chemical effect these must have on us cannot be good, and i'm in the process of finding more information about it.


Licking them? into oblivion? that one i'm not clear on, but that could possibly have some slight negative effects as well, but who i'm I to judge, i still smoke a pack a day. Now i got two habbits I gotta break

Used to buy nice fully metal pens, but then other people would steal them. Or the plastic part would break that held the ink cartridge in, and i would never think to buy new ones lol

ewishnev said...

i need a pen that is good for chewing on top. something fun or cute, metal doesn't sound so great.

any ideas?