Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Virgin Territory

Friend A: My friend wants to fix me up with this guy, but there are two catches. He's...
Me: Wait, let us guess!

Let the record show that Friend B and I guessed that he has a kid, is married, separated, a cross dresser, an alcoholic, too old, too young, too short, been in rehab, been to jail, had sex with Paris Hilton, had sex with Paris Hilton in jail, or that he has herpes, AIDS, and/or syphilis before we arrived on the actual two catches: that he's a virgin who doesn't drink. For religious reasons on both counts, apparently, which means the proverbial chastity belt isn't coming off anytime soon. Once the dust settled, we all agreed that we'd much rather date a guy who has been around the block a little bit so long as he's not crudded up because at least he probably knows what he's doing bootyless sobriety is a valid and beautiful choice.

But seriously: A hush has fallen over the suburbs of Boston this evening. What does one do with a potential suitor like this? Go to the zoo? Analyze the civil war between Netflix and Blockbuster? Anyone?

Bueller?

14 comments:

Matt said...

I myself am loyal to Netflix...wait, did I just miss the point??

Shesabigstar said...

Oh gosh Red, how do you expect us to comment on this one?

Ok, I guess I'll be brutally honest:
No alcohol, no sex? Ya, sorry, we don't have much in common buddy...see ya around.

Sorry, I know that's mean...but I'm going for honesty here!

Darren McLikeshimself said...

I'd rather date someone who doesn't put out than doesn't drink. I don't trust anyone who doesn't drink.

cupcake said...

I agree with BigStar only because of the alcohol. I can deal with the no sex thing, but going out with friends could be socially awkward if he just sits there silently condemning everyone who sips bubbly.

How does she feel about the religious aspect of his personality? If she isn't as devout as he is, I can imagine that would be another notch on the 'no' side, which brings the total to three strikes.

Red said...

I don't know, I think I'd rather give up wine than dick.

Is THAT okay to say?

Shesabigstar said...

Me too! Although it wouldn't be easy to give up the drinking...I know, FOR SURE, that I couldn't/wouldn't be involved with someone and have NO SEX!!

Red, that's a great phase...I think you should patent it and make it your new motto..."I'd rather give up wine than dick."

That's some funny shit right there.

stefanie said...

I don't know... the upside of dating a teetotaler is that you always have a designated driver.

(Looking for the silver lining here; that's all.)

Married Jen said...

Maybe they could do sudoku puzzles together? Sounds like a BLAST!

nabbalicious said...

I don't think I would even consider it! Nope, nope, nope. Whatever floats a person's boat, but I just don't see how we'd even get along or EVER have any fun.

Also, when reading this, the line, "Yah a vorgin who can't droyve" popped into my head. Ah, Brittany Murphy.

metalia said...

The phrase "bootyless sobriety" makes me giggle.

Oh, and I second Darren's sentiment; perfectly put.

Shesabigstar said...

A side note Red...

Today I got tix to the Sox game on July 1st...and hold the laughter...it's 'Maine Day' at Fenway Park. Oh yeah baby!

Thought you'd be excited!

Killer said...

It would be extra hard because you couldn't even get him drunk to take advantage of him. I don't even know if you can put a roofie in a glass of milk.

Melliferous Pants said...

You go to church with him.

Maya said...

Speaking from experience (blushes, shushes stunned crowd): You can do one, but not the other. The good news is both of those can be remedied in one night, if you play your cards right.

Plus: This means he's trainable. Trust me on this one - better no experience at all than *thinking* he knows wtf he's doing when you're lying there thinking, "the HELL are you doing? That's my ____ (wrong body part), dude!"

Or you could go on picnics, the soda fountain, and long walks on the beach as dates. Eventually, if you invest your time and use your (wicked laugh) womanly skillz....he'll be putty in your hands. Or....not.