Monday, October 15, 2007

"You Know There's a Well in Your Backyard. Watch The Baby!"

On the twentieth anniversary of this defining moment of American history, I feel the time has come for me to speak my mind. Now that she's grown up and by all appearances seems to have a normal life, it's without reservation that I finally say: Fuck you, Baby Jessica.

Listen, we all felt bad when you fell down the well. Babies can be annoying enough to deal with given the optimal circumstances, let alone when they're trapped underground and being totally dramatic about it. But let me talk to you about a little something called Bad Timing. I'm not saying this was your plan all along, but news of your rescue cut into all the regularly scheduled programming back in 1987, and your victorious second birth from the pipe womb trumped the season finale of Rags to Riches. Remember Rags to Riches, the show where that Joe Pesci-looking guy inherited a bunch of teenage orphan daughters who randomly started singing and dancing to oldies songs? Yeah, it was pretty awesome, and not just because I was ten years old. Toward the end of this particular episode, Marta, one of the pivotal and more subtletly nuanced characters, was lying on a mountainside, half-dead from a rattlesnake bite. What was going to happen? I was riveted. And then, suddenly, breaking news. The well! The baby! The miracle! You were fine. But Marta? Poof. Gone forever.

Thanks to the internet and YouTube and the disturbingly comprehensive TV show collection at Best Buy, I could probably find out pretty easily what happened. Really, though, it's the principle of it. If you had been courteous enough to wiggle out during the daytime while I was at school, I might've been able to miss a few minutes of long division. But no, of course not. It had to be on your terms, and your gauze-clad self wasn't coming out until you were good and ready. Diva.

I couldn't yell at you when you were Baby Jessica. Yelling at babies is almost always frowned upon, but yelling at Baby Jessica would've resulted in automatic deportation, and learning a second language would've been a total pain in the ass. So now that you're Adult Jessica, it's on, bitch. You owe me four minutes of television gold and step-by-step instructions on how to remove snake venom while simultaneously singing Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow by the Shirelles. I'M WAITING.

10 comments:

3carnations said...

In all fairness, you should yell at her parents, not her. Someone should have kept her away from the well...Although I'm sure they've already thought of that.

stefanie said...

First of all, I DO remember Rags to Riches. I'm pretty sure the pilot TV movie is still on an old VHS somewhere at my parents' house. I thought my sisters and I were the only ones who watched it.

And secondly, you're yelling at Baby Jessica? Are there NO boundaries you won't cross?? ;-) (I'm actually sort of thrilled by this. Can't wait to see who you'll take on next.)

Shesabigstar said...

Only you Red, only you!

I remember Rags to Riches too...I remember them dancing around in the foyer of the mansion, but that's ALL I remember...how do you remember all of the details? That was TWENTY years ago!!:)

You rock.

Jen said...

Officially, best blog ever. I remember Rag to Riches, and my 11 year old self (???I think I was 11. I could do the math, but, eh)was pretty shocked that this bit of programming gold was cut short by the rescue of Baby Jessica. I did not remember the specific plot line though, and for that, Red, I salute you.

MJ said...

(singing) Wait, oh yeah, wait a minute Mr. Foley... whoa, whoa, whoa Mr. Foley! (set to the tune of Mr. Postman, of course--Mr. Foley was the millionaire guy)

-R- said...

I didn't watch Rags to Riches, but my elementary school friend Kara did. Is remembering which friend watched RtoR worse than remembering specific plot lines?

Anonymous said...

I was completely scandalized when my brother used to call that show Fags and Bitches. Thats about all i remember aboot it.

Allie said...

I spent the majority of my childhood looking for a well to fall down so that I could get the same kind of attention. It didn't work out...I'm still ignored.

Lara said...

Oh my god, I forgot all about Rags to Riches!! I must find old episodes on DVD or something. Something? YEah, I'm super-techno.

Also, your rant to Baby Jessica cracked me up. This weekend at the dog park, Chester would NOT STOP BARKING at a baby. You and Chester should start hanging out at daycare centers, letting your frustrations out together.

Effie said...

I watched the pilot of Rags to Riches so many time. My friend and I used to act it out along with the tape every day afterschool. We each played 3 characters. I was Nina, Diane, and I forget who else. Rose? I wanted to BE Diane with her spandex and her crimped hair. Ugh, I had no clue.